Important to keep this documentation going. Today I met my match and their names are diseases. It is very hard to write about for I feel I’m really in the muck of it now. While struggling today to get thru…the day, I became angry. You see this pain, which I describe as ‘thumping’, began to get angry or at least that’s how it felt. This in turn made me ANGRY, and then it occurred to me, I think I am meeting my illnesses and their annoying little hanger-on-er cousin ‘Pain’ for the first time, at least this version. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt pain lemme tell ya, many a day, hour and minute throughout these nine years. Since I began taking pain meds, the pain didn’t last very long, for the pills did the trick. Now that I have decided to suspend the ‘coating’ effect that I’m so used to feeling, it seems like I am meeting the disease face to face. When I first met ‘it’ nine years ago, I ran screaming to the door. Now, it’s a whole new experience. Inviting the disease and all that goes with it up to dance is a scary thing to do, since it turns out it ain’t too pretty. For the majority of the time, I can honestly admit I’d been avoiding it, numbing it.
No matter what I did today, it was with me. I attempted to have a ‘special’ moment with myself, after registering my new company, the first step in getting back to where I feel I belong, and that is in my entrepreneurial jumpsuit ( I see it as bright yellow and I don’t know why). As I was attempting to document this monumental occasion (to me anyways) and smile, this jolt of pain came zipping up my legs, settling into my hips, like it was taking a rest before moving on the parts ‘very known’. I was like “fuck you”, that and the über annoying ‘security guard’ who too interrupted ‘my moment’. Sucked to be him, for the lashing I gave him was very much loaded with my then current state of off the charts pain threshold gone wild. Don’t mess with a women whose trying to have a moment…so not a good idea. Poor guy, actually no I take that back he was actually kind of a dink ( love this word).
I seem to be taking the position that I have to fight, and maybe I do….or not. Choosing Yoga as a means to heal my body and soul is a peaceful way, non? Not sure if I’m to treat this battle like how one is to treat a bully ( ideally that is ) and that is with love. Giving my body the time to relax, stretch and breathe is very much a way to love myself ( A very rare scene FYI). Maybe its just too soon in this journey? Probably not important to try to figure it all out now for there’s approx. 360 days left till I reach the summit. I will ride this wave as I have done so many other times in life and remind myself ( get ready for some cheeze), that I always come back up. Never been one to ride the way beautifully, usually I wipe out and get swept along the ocean bed floor amidst the soft coral:) I felt beaten up today by all of these chronic s.o.b’s. but regardless I stood my ground and went to yoga like I’d planned for 8:30pm.
“Right on girlfriend” I goofily said to myself while driving away towards downtown….and then I got to class:) The moment I laid down a rush swept thru me, and instantly I felt the words “your screwed” enter my mind. There was no way I was going to leave, there was nowhere to go, I had to stay, I had to deal with it, and so I did. Bless my teacher Monica, for I’m sure she thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Note: the beauty of doing Hot Yin, is its hard to tell ( to a point ) if someone is crying due to all the sweat. She knew tho, and for this I feel badly. I couldn’t explain to her what I had been battling all day, how I was introduced to my illness and how it wasn’t so thrilled to meet me. I got through the class, had a hot shower on top of my existing ‘hotness’, and made my way home. I thought it prudent to document the length of time I experience the post-yoga grace period of feeling less pain, before the bastards get back up to dance. On average, during the last four days, its been aproximently 45-60 minutes. It will be interesting to see if this increases with time?
Many other side- effects have been occurring as well, which I won’t go into detail with here, though suffice to say it ain’t pretty. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
If I am actually going to do this, my friends, this became crystal clear to me today.