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“Once You Know Better, You Do Better” {56 Days In} April 28, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 4:05 am

April 21~Hot Yin 3:00pm~April 22~Yoga on Wall 1:30~April 23~Hot Yin 10:00am/Meditation 11:45am~April 24th~Physio*Logic 11:45am/Hot Yin 1:30pm~April 25th~Physio*Logic 11:45am/Hot Yin 8:30pm~April 26th~11:30am TRX Body Blast (GULP!)~April 27th~Hot Yin 10:00am/KYMA 11:45am~

So what I know at this moment in time is this: I need to blog more often. The connection that is made between my mind and spirit with writing is so crucial; It helps to keep me on this path to wellness. I have always had a very apparent sense of self, thou never really understood the extent…..until now. Not unlike an alcoholic refraining from the drink, I too must refrain from not writing. Some may say, “that’s a bit much, you can’t compare alcoholism to not writing!” Umm, yup I can. The reason is this: For me, a break in the connection with myself/spirit is, at this point, not a good move. One could say I am currently holding on by a thread, and by saying this, they would be accurate. I have come to realize that the more I enable myself to live outside myself, and in the world around me (a.k.a the ‘noise’), the more my depression and its annoying step-brother the ego, seem to grow. So now I know, this is good, though kinda desperate sounding? It’s not, in actuality. I now know where I stand and what is required. If I cannot understand what is needed at my ‘root level’ or foundation, then how can I grow? Yoga has shown me not only my flaws, but my strengths, without the sap. “Just the facts Ma’am”. If I am to see my complete ‘make-up’ as Mind Body & Spirit, then it is only logical to investigate what is required to establish each of these areas.

So I know now for my mind and spirit, I need to keep this connection by writing.  My inner voice never EVER steers this sister wrong. Done and done…check. Writing is the tool, the clarity and connection it creates, is the requirement.  Actually hang on a second, my mind is not done here. Yes its connection to my spirit is essential, but I also have been made aware what it needs to avoid….the ego. I have consciously made note of what it does, how it sees situations and people, and most importantly, I have noticed where it sits, just off on the sidelines….. Here it watches, waiting for just the right opportunity to pounce and wreak havoc on the situation at hand. In reference to Yoga, this occurred yesterday during and after my second TRX class.

As I approached the studio building, the ‘chattering’ began. Upon seeing the welcoming Yoga Public staff, these ‘agents’ began building momentum. When asked what class I was registered for, I responded “TRX.” At that moment the flow, (of the negative variety) began to ‘swim’. I began to describe my angst and fear concerning this class. Unbeknownst to me, I was slowly getting sucked into my ego’s ‘den’ with every negative word I gave life to; Ego and it compatriots were strengthening, I could feel it. Then the counter punch! “No no,” my soon to be TRX teacher reassuringly stated, “it’s an easy class today, just going thru the motions, you can do it, no problem”. “Hear that ego”?

Into the studio I went, this time wearing my own running shoes, ( last class I borrowed a pair, which I rationalized somewhat for my’inabilities’). I looked in the mirror at myself (thankfully the other studios have no mirrors), and my heart began to sink ( ego, responding). My spirit countered, “look into your eyes, just keep staring at your eyes”. When I thought of this after, I was reassured to know that this was my spirit advising me here, for you know what ‘they’ say about the eyes being the window…..

The class began and by minute 5, I was sweating so much I was blinded. This, coupled with not wearing my glasses and the music being a tad too loud, left me in ‘no-gals-land’. The class progressed, tho I did not. My frustrations mounted to the tune of an ‘outburst’, though I caught myself biting my lip, puppy dog eyes in clear view of my teacher’s startled gaze. One particular pose, I literally could not do, mostly I believe because of my weight, and lack of strength. There was, in retrospect, a few things I kept up with, so kudos to me…. Mostly I couldn’t do much or if I could I wasn’t ‘proper’. At the end I felt, again, defeated. My teacher approached, and with that the water works. Jesus!  I hate trying to talk when I am weeping! When she asked ‘what’s up’, I responded by grabbing one of my tummy roles. Bless my rolls btw, it’s not their fault…, it just makes this kind of ‘workout’ that much harder. She responded with a much-appreciated ‘lecture’ on body image etc…..How could I tell her this wasn’t the root of my tears? In spite of this physical and emotional downgrade, my spunky spirit piped up and wondered, “Wonder when the next class?” 

I’ve determined this bugger TRX is my new nemesis, Intro To Wall, move on over. Not unlike when I went back to University at the age of 40 ( for two classes/ no debt-degree for me thank you very much), I was aware what the benefit of success would be…..enlightenment for my intelligence..who would of thunk it? From this TRX class? A higher fitness level, as well as another buttery layer of righteousness:) I’m still off, but nothing that a shite load of writing won’t cure.

 Namaste

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All One Needs On A Friday is some good KYMA ( 49 Days…) April 20, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 2:42 am

~11:45am KYMA~

So today I awoke late for a work gig ( I have one or two, here and there ). I am one of those anal souls, who find it rude and just plain ol’ bad, to ever arrive late…for anything.  I’ve always seemed to need those moments, the quiet calm ones, prior to starting whatever it is I’m starting. I’m going to blame my tardiness this a.m on my husband who arrived in town 2 days early. One of my challenges consistently, is keeping up with my “everythings”, when he comes home. I seem to go into a bit of a lazy state the moment I see him. Note: he is one of the most hug-able beings ever created, so this doesn’t help. Some part of my psyche seems to know that I’m about to have a bit of a break, meaning he can take over picking/dropping off kids, laundry, cooking etc.. You see I do that and then some, alone for 3.75 weeks a month. Anyhoo, we had a late night:) and slept in:) leaving me running behind. He helped me at my client’s thankfully, but even with this help I was getting to the point that I was possible going to miss KYMA. I became, within minutes, very grumpy and bitchy. The ranting began as well as some hormonal ‘dipping’. I took the driver’s seat, literally, and zipped downtown, going off course, leaving me stuck in beyond annoying traffic. He got ticked off at my ‘attitude’ and by the time I got to YP, I was in quite a tizzy. Into the locker room I ran, and then into my good friend and neighbour. We went to class and by the end, I was again centered and filled with peace. You know what? Even if a pill was created to give this kind of effect, the post-yoga or meditation effect, I wouldn’t take it. I would go thru the practice, with all the other energies (a.k.a people) in the room, any struggles….all of it, in a heartbeat. Why? Because I would know that I did it; I did the practice, whether with ease or with struggle.

This ethic is part of who I am, something I can’t nor will ever deny, no matter how tough

Namaste 

 

Fighting The Good Fight….48 Days In April 19, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 5:38 pm

April 17-19th

~11:45 am Physio-Logic Neck*shoulder/8:30pm Hot Yin~11:45am Physio-Logic Lower Back~1:30pm Hot Yin~

Mental exercise with today’s entry. Doing all the consecutive Yoga, walking and eating better, left me forgetting that I have these damn diseases. I’ve always joked that this disease stuff is not for me, that I’m not a good sick person. I was reminded later in the day yesterday, that ‘No, you actually are a diseased person Nancy…..Sorry’. I forgot to inject my poison medication on Monday. I had a bit of a conscience thought  that maybe I could just quietly sneak around the corner from ‘it,’ maybe I won’t be missed? Like a lame game of hide and seek, I was found quickly by days end. I am not only trying to get physically better, I am also working on strengthening my mind; Specifically intercepting my triggers. I have worked hard at ricocheting many of them, so as not to allow penetration (forgive me:). Triggers cause, for me, a negative mental reaction. Bottom line, when I experience this intense body pain, I immediately go to depression-land. Before I even know it, shitsville is where I am living, darn you dendrites!

I couldn’t get out of bed, late afternoon-evening and this morning. I realized, after my mind automatically posed the question, “Where the pain meds at,” that I have yet to distinguish this ‘habit or need’ from my brain (thankfully ‘they’ were all flushed 49 days ago). Muscle memory isn’t the only thing I need to learn about. Because of doing daily yoga, my body responds lovingly to many of the poses I do each day. I respond at the end of class with a grateful ‘thank you’. Now onto the mind, this one needs working on, especially with the disease stuff. 

I felt really sad this morning, then began to feel that not so good sad. I couldn’t stop it when it started, but was able to realize I needed to physically get up out of bed. Strong memory here, for I know if I stay, much I have worked on will weaken and fall to the ‘back of the line’. I have worked thru a lot of trauma in my life, alone. Despite it being my instinct to do this, I also have to remember that I am blessed to have a best friend…my husband. Recently we were able to get him a cell phone for the road…God what a blessing for all of us. I called him and thru the large truck noises and my sobs, he was able to remind/enlighten me on some things.  He reminded me about my deep belief, that my illnesses were created from trauma, and not just some random occurrence;  That the ‘work’ I am doing with my mind and body, will garner me enough strength to unravel the choke hold it has had on me all these years.

We spoke also of the additional fight I have each day with my ego. The Yoga studio is buzzing these days with their ” 30 Day Yoga Transformation”. We joked that it is yet another example of something I am ‘part of’ but as usual on the outskirts from, ‘always one foot out of the circle’. Once again my ego jumped in, screaming 30 days! Jesus I’m on day 42, where the fuck is my green bag full of goodies and so on….. My true self/essence piped up, waving it’s loving, yet disapproving finger stating, “Last time I checked, we started this challenge to get better, not for a goodie bag or accolades!”. Your health/mental issues have nothing to do with anybody but you, so FUCK off ego, the doors over there!

And so I return now to some peace, which as this point is not an automatic occurrence. I work hard to get here by reaching out, whether by writing, talking/crying* to my husband, listening to music , etc.. I do this in order to bring myself back home, to where I believe I belong, and that is to my spirit, a.k.a me.

Namaste

 

Challenge me…if you must { 45 days in } April 16, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 1:35 am

April 10-16th

Hot Yin 8:30pm~Physio Logic 11:45am~Hot Yin 1:30pm~KYMA 11:45am~ Hot Yin 3:00pm~TRX 2:00pm/Hot Yin 3:00 pm~Hot Yin 10:00am/Meditation 11:45am

So a good week was had. Hi-lights included the return of my teacher Monica to my Hot Yin classes (weekend/night-time slots). Funny what can happen when regularity is disrupted. I really like all the teachers, though I’ve found this funky body of mine, had begun to be a creature of habit. This past Saturday I was super happy to hear her voice begin the class. I joked afterwards, exclaiming ‘don’t ever leave again’. In the back of my mind the last few weeks I have felt that I need to get stronger. My body has responded really well to Hot Yin and Physio Logic. Yoga on the wall, as I’ve mentioned, consistently challenges me which is good, though I can’t seem to improve. I feel really weak, ALWAYS during the class. With this theme of instinct and doors opening at whim, I had yet another opportunity presented to me, this past Sunday. I arrived for my wall class and was told “Sorry Nancy, the class has been cancelled.” What! Who! When! I felt like the Ant in the movie a  A Bug’s Life when the leaf dropped 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynzcUw9wv0E

I was calmly given the option to take the TRX “Body Blast” class (http://www.yogapublic.com/trx.cfm). Ya, no I don’t think so, what else is there. “Nothing until 3:00pm”, it was 1:30pm. I conferred with some of the staff and they convinced me I could do it. Leslee (Physio Logic) even came downstairs  and showed me a few ‘moves’. Huh, o.k maybe I can, plus it’s only 45 minutes……..Then the regular students started to arrive; That’s when I knew I was in trouble. Suffice to say, the class massively kicked my ass. The teacher’s idea of a break was a maybe 15 sec. water break. At least 4-5 different times I couldn’t do what was instructed. Why? Because I currently have no stamina or strength. I felt defeated and fat…not good. 

I came upstairs to a few high-fives. While I appreciated the support, I was severely pissed off and tired. I don’t believe I could actually feel my legs. Monica turned to me with her beautiful encouraging smile and said “You gotta do my Yin class now”! I believe the actual word for work reaction in my mind was something like ” Are you currently crazy, or have you ever been deemed as such”? I slouched down to the floor, resting my sweaty head against the wall and said I’d think about it. I checked the time, then did an inventory of children and animals. Next thing I knew my sorry tired ass was positioned on the warm/hot mat. The familiar voice welcomed us to our 75 minute Hot Yin class! 

Fuck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3_dOWYHS7I&ob=av2n

Namaste

 

Ups & Downs…They’re Gonna Happen (326 Days To Go…) April 10, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 3:48 pm

~KYMA 11:45am~Hot Yin 3:00pm~Intro to Wall 1:30pm~Hot Yin 10:00am/Meditation 11:45am~Hot Yin 8:00pm

The above are the classes I have taken since my last blog entry, in other words, I am still going every day, in some instances even 2x. I suppose it is inevitable that the ‘honeymoon ends’ or the ‘bubble bursts’, and in my case it did, or so I thought, during this last week. With the Easter weekend/hubby coming home I failed to properly organize my ‘new menu’. It didn’t seem like a big deal, yet it was. I ate whatever and because of this I began to feel bloated, especially with the milk. I don’t know if it was because of the cleanse, but suffice to say I began really feeling like crap and physically I felt all seized up. None of my classes except the Saturday Hot Yin class felt as good as the previous ones had? Mentally it seemed like I couldn’t ‘engage’. Was the newness and excitement starting to wear off? Yeesh, I hope not! The wall class on Sunday was a real wash. Each bloody class, I’m now on my 4th, feels like it’s my first time. Specifically the triangle and warrior poses still are so difficult. Needless to say I felt bummed out by the time I left.

Despite Sunday’s class been a downer, Saturday’s on the other hand was FANTASTIC. It was for two reasons, actually three. #1~Serge, who virtually everyone loves, taught the class. It was different and really interesting. Yin is such a physiological class and for anyone who wants to see what their made of ( currently ), it’s a great one to take. I had no expectations of myself when I started this class, knowing only that I would try to not fret if I couldn’t ‘do everything’. Obviously I should use this same advice for the wall class! Last weeks classes (Apr.2 onwards) each gave me confidence, for I was able to really go deep and with more ease. #2~This continued with the Yin class. I had moment when I realized my forehead was on my knee. I was concentrating and focusing so hard on my breathing, allowing my body to just do its thing, that I didn’t know until I felt my head ‘hit something’; I thought WOW, I’ve ‘landed’! It felt great. THEN, #3~my Father decided to visit me! I could feel him all around me. At this exact moment, Serge began reciting a saying my Father always used to say:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

 Weep, yup and then some. I felt like pinching myself. How and when did my life start feeling so real, so great. I especially love these emotions, for they have nothing to do with money ( or lack thereof) or my weight, or career (or lack thereof), it was and IS purely, about enjoying the feeling of goodness and health. The best part? I created this feeling for my mind and body; For me, this is very powerful. I have said to friends that I feel ‘carried’; It’s similar to when I quit smoking, cold turkey after 15 years. Some say, “it doesn’t matter how this has happened, only that it did”. I lovingly disagree:) and that’s o.k, for much of what is happening to me has absolutely no logic to it, and for this romantic, this suits me 

Just fine

Namaste


 

Post Cleanse Day 11 :) April 7, 2012

Filed under: Nutrition — Working From Bed Productions @ 3:19 am

Freedom?

So the big question recently from many was, “So what’s the first thing your going to eat when your off the cleanse?” The funny thing is, other than enjoying a nice glass of red wine, there really isn’t anything that I have craved or REALLY wanted, whether it was during the cleanse, or now one day later. Not so long ago, logic piped up and stated the obvious; Why would you go back and eat the way you used to, when you feel so much better and energetic now? Can’t really argue this point? Last night I went out for dinner with my daughter. I didn’t go crazy but did have a rather large glass of red wine, baja fish taco’s and a cappuccino. When I returned home, I felt super bloated. Understandable, considering I have been living on fruit, juicing/eating veggies and rice for 10 days. Awhile later I started feeling grumpy and initially couldn’t figure out why. In time I realized that the bloated feeling reminded me of how I normally I would feel after I ate. Prior to this ‘revitalization period’, I was quite unhappy. I didn’t realize how much until I began to feel less pain and more peace. The goal now is to create a plan which is in balance with my doshas, which btw is Pitta-Vata.

I awoke this morning juiced and made my way to Yoga. Feeling better. I’ve learned thus far that I have always had the freedom to create the type of diet which is best suited for me. I no longer feel imprisoned by food and for this I will be forever grateful.

 

Utopia Visited (332 Days To Go….) April 6, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 6:30 am


30th~KYMA 11:45am/ 31st~3:00pm Hot Yin/1st~1:30pm~On The Wall/2nd~10:00am~Hot Yin/11:45am~ Intro To Meditation/3rd~8:30pm~Hot Yin/4th~11:45am~Physio Logic Lower Back/5th~1:30pm~Hot Yin~

Well, well its been awhile. Not to worry all is fine. Had a few computer blips, coupled with a heavy amount of focus concerning my 10 day cleanse, which I am VERY  proud to announce I have completed effective today April 5th~So here I am, back to blogging or yapping, not too sure which is which. I’ve decided going forward since I have 331 days left to go, that I will be submitting blogs either every other day, or bare minimum, once a week. Truth be told I’m at times so pooped at the end of day, I don’t have the energy, though I mention thoughts and realizations into my recorder. The point of the blogging has always been to have this accountability ‘set up’ for myself, as well as a record of this journey. We tend to forget moments in times don’t we? I want to look back on this, when I am an old woman (universe willing), wearing mix-matched colourful moo-moos, and be reminded, that I did something good GREAT….for myself.

These last five days I dare say, have been life changing for me. I was told during the Ayurvedic workshop that we should take this opportunity to ‘deal’ or ‘confront’ any issues we have with food. While there were moments when I realized I had formed some pretty not-so-good habits, “Yes I’m talking to you Red wine”, I have to say that I mostly have begun to realize that I am in the beginning stages of letting go of who I have been for the last 10 years, and in some cases who I have been for the majority of my life. I’m crying these crocodile tears as I type, for this is for me a terribly profound moment. Since I started doing daily Yoga 32 Days ago, I didn’t know what I was doing exactly, all I knew was that I was going to TRY.

On Monday April 2nd, I was so privileged to attend my first Intro to Meditation class ( different from KYMA ). As I’ve mentioned meditating has always been difficult for me, yet despite this I have felt it was something I needed to incorporate into my life. This particular class I had never noticed on the schedule, mostly I realized afterwards, because it was during the time of the day when I wasn’t able to attend, so I never looked at what classes were offered then. This class, guided by the lovely and calming soul Bonnie, felt beyond comfortable, from the moment I walked into the room. It was a small class, which was perfect for my everything this day. We were given options as to what type of meditation we were interested in, with one them been a healing one. I immediately raised my hand and requested this one, thankfully the rest of the class concurred. From the moment Bonnie started speaking I was inside myself and flowing, visualizing everything, with every word she spoke. At one point,  I ‘came back’ consciously and had a feeling I honestly don’t think I have ever felt before, which was complete and utter peace, IN MY BODY. The tears started flowing and not because I was sad, but because I felt so utterly grateful. I laid there relishing this feeling, even ‘playing’ with it. I scanned my body up and down, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, “Yup, I thought, this is actually real, how’s about that!” At the end of the class we were given the option to pick a piece of paper out of this basket. Each piece had a word or saying on it. As I turned mine over, I saw the word…. Grateful. 

That evening, most likely due to this wonderful experience, and the fact that my husband’s surprised me with a  12 hour layover, I forgot to give myself my ‘shot’. Each week I am to inject my tummy with a lovely poison called Methedrexate ( I purposely have never learned to spell it correctly), a.k.a chemo drug. This lovely serum keeps my Rheumatoid Arthritis from fully taking advantage of me:) In the past if I had forgotten my shot, we ( my family and I ) would brace ourselves, for this meant that a ’bout’ was inevitable, meaning I’d be sick for 2-3 days in bed with nasty pain. I wept at the thought of this and the fear of missing Yoga. Suffice to say I didn’t sleep much that night. I was to drive my husband back to his truck, which is a bit of a trek, so this just added to my fear and stress. I was also pissed-off, because my daughter and I decided that we were going to start to walk to school in the mornings with our dogs instead of driving (aprox.2.5 miles) We had done it the day prior and it was great. Jesus, now I’m going to disappoint her as well…Good God I remember thinking, this CANNOT BE HAPPENING. My husband drove her to school instead, though not before she came up to say good-bye and whispered in my ear, “It’s o.k Mommy we can go tomorrow”. Cue large knife self-injecting into Mother’s heart. As soon as I heard the car drive off, I got up, shimmed down the stairs and began peeling my carrots and beets for juicing. My husband drove as I sat in the passenger seat doing some good deep Yoga breathing, visualizing the pain exiting my body. With his gentle kisses to my forehead and a long hug good-bye, I got into the car and drove home. I instinctually knew I needed to keep moving. My Hot Yin class wasn’t until 8:30pm, so I decided to go for a swim….o.k?

My goal was to just take it easy and do a few laps for 30 minutes. When I was semi-regularly swimming, my best was 30 laps in 30 minutes. It’s funny, not unlike when I walk, which is only one way~FAST~, I can too only swim a certain way, which again is ~FAST~. I counted 3x sets of 10, stopped, removed my googles and squinted up to see the time. I had done 30 laps in 19 minutes…..holy moly. I realized at this moment something in my body had changed, and her name was STAMINA. Who would of thunk it! I returned home giddy but pooped, not by the swim but from the lack of sleep. I laid down and had a cat nap. I awoke 30 minutes or so later and jolted up. “I have a private Yoga lesson in 30 minutes!” Off I went downtown and proceeded to have a great one-on-one with Monica, who showed me some great lessons on proper alignment ( über important when learning Yoga, otherwise there’s not a lot of reason for doing it at all). This hour lesson gave me the added energy I needed to face the rest of my day.

By the time 6:30pm came around I couldn’t see straight, I was soooooooo tired. I got the kids Subway and went upstairs to bed. Next thing I knew my daughter was beside me whispering, “Mommy its time to go to Yoga”. So up I got and down to the studio I went. I actually fell asleep outside the Hot room while it was getting prepped. Once class began I started to notice a change almost immediately. Each pose we were going into, I just seemed to flow into it, with ease.  By the end of class I thought two thoughts: Either I just crossed some sort of “Yoga line” or I just slept thru the entire class and dreamt it all! Monica came up to me and exclaimed “Nancy, holy shit you did awesome!” So it was real, Wowzers! After I changed and checked the time, I noticed the date, April 3rd and then it hit me, I just did Yoga for 30 days straight!

My gift for this feat? An awesome class and a boost for my self-esteem.                          

I believe the reason I was given these amazing moments, was in part because of this cleanse I’ve been on. For roughly the past 6 days I have been juicing carrot, beet, apple and lemons 2x a day. I am convinced that this, as well as keeping to my regular Yoga practice, has given me what I have needed to get through some tough times. I have been so angry at my body for the pain I have experienced since becoming ill, and all that it has stopped me from doing (or so I thought). What I have come to now realize is that my body is and has always been SEPERATE from my illnesses. I ignorantly grouped them together, unjustly and for this I apologized. I literally had a moment with my body, closed my eyes and said, thru guilty tears, “I’m sorry”. It felt like I was apologizing to a best friend for being a schmuck.  I was able to experience that monumental achievement during my Hot Yin class, because I have been nourishing my body with what it has always needed. I have stopped, during these last 10 days of starving ‘her’ and instead  began on this ‘Road Less Travelled’ existence of nourishing instead. My body’s response? 

~No bout, after missing my shot~

~The ability to meditate and feel complete peace in my body for the first time EVER~

&

~Achieve 2 monumental goals: 30+ days of consecutive Yoga Practice & A 10 Day Cleanse~

I was asked today what I was going to do, once my cleanse was done.

My response…

“Keep on keeping on”

Forget 365 Days, How’s about for the next 45+years

Namaste