April 21~Hot Yin 3:00pm~April 22~Yoga on Wall 1:30~April 23~Hot Yin 10:00am/Meditation 11:45am~April 24th~Physio*Logic 11:45am/Hot Yin 1:30pm~April 25th~Physio*Logic 11:45am/Hot Yin 8:30pm~April 26th~11:30am TRX Body Blast (GULP!)~April 27th~Hot Yin 10:00am/KYMA 11:45am~
So what I know at this moment in time is this: I need to blog more often. The connection that is made between my mind and spirit with writing is so crucial; It helps to keep me on this path to wellness. I have always had a very apparent sense of self, thou never really understood the extent…..until now. Not unlike an alcoholic refraining from the drink, I too must refrain from not writing. Some may say, “that’s a bit much, you can’t compare alcoholism to not writing!” Umm, yup I can. The reason is this: For me, a break in the connection with myself/spirit is, at this point, not a good move. One could say I am currently holding on by a thread, and by saying this, they would be accurate. I have come to realize that the more I enable myself to live outside myself, and in the world around me (a.k.a the ‘noise’), the more my depression and its annoying step-brother the ego, seem to grow. So now I know, this is good, though kinda desperate sounding? It’s not, in actuality. I now know where I stand and what is required. If I cannot understand what is needed at my ‘root level’ or foundation, then how can I grow? Yoga has shown me not only my flaws, but my strengths, without the sap. “Just the facts Ma’am”. If I am to see my complete ‘make-up’ as Mind Body & Spirit, then it is only logical to investigate what is required to establish each of these areas.
So I know now for my mind and spirit, I need to keep this connection by writing. My inner voice never EVER steers this sister wrong. Done and done…check. Writing is the tool, the clarity and connection it creates, is the requirement. Actually hang on a second, my mind is not done here. Yes its connection to my spirit is essential, but I also have been made aware what it needs to avoid….the ego. I have consciously made note of what it does, how it sees situations and people, and most importantly, I have noticed where it sits, just off on the sidelines….. Here it watches, waiting for just the right opportunity to pounce and wreak havoc on the situation at hand. In reference to Yoga, this occurred yesterday during and after my second TRX class.
As I approached the studio building, the ‘chattering’ began. Upon seeing the welcoming Yoga Public staff, these ‘agents’ began building momentum. When asked what class I was registered for, I responded “TRX.” At that moment the flow, (of the negative variety) began to ‘swim’. I began to describe my angst and fear concerning this class. Unbeknownst to me, I was slowly getting sucked into my ego’s ‘den’ with every negative word I gave life to; Ego and it compatriots were strengthening, I could feel it. Then the counter punch! “No no,” my soon to be TRX teacher reassuringly stated, “it’s an easy class today, just going thru the motions, you can do it, no problem”. “Hear that ego”?
Into the studio I went, this time wearing my own running shoes, ( last class I borrowed a pair, which I rationalized somewhat for my’inabilities’). I looked in the mirror at myself (thankfully the other studios have no mirrors), and my heart began to sink ( ego, responding). My spirit countered, “look into your eyes, just keep staring at your eyes”. When I thought of this after, I was reassured to know that this was my spirit advising me here, for you know what ‘they’ say about the eyes being the window…..
The class began and by minute 5, I was sweating so much I was blinded. This, coupled with not wearing my glasses and the music being a tad too loud, left me in ‘no-gals-land’. The class progressed, tho I did not. My frustrations mounted to the tune of an ‘outburst’, though I caught myself biting my lip, puppy dog eyes in clear view of my teacher’s startled gaze. One particular pose, I literally could not do, mostly I believe because of my weight, and lack of strength. There was, in retrospect, a few things I kept up with, so kudos to me…. Mostly I couldn’t do much or if I could I wasn’t ‘proper’. At the end I felt, again, defeated. My teacher approached, and with that the water works. Jesus! I hate trying to talk when I am weeping! When she asked ‘what’s up’, I responded by grabbing one of my tummy roles. Bless my rolls btw, it’s not their fault…, it just makes this kind of ‘workout’ that much harder. She responded with a much-appreciated ‘lecture’ on body image etc…..How could I tell her this wasn’t the root of my tears? In spite of this physical and emotional downgrade, my spunky spirit piped up and wondered, “Wonder when the next class?”
I’ve determined this bugger TRX is my new nemesis, Intro To Wall, move on over. Not unlike when I went back to University at the age of 40 ( for two classes/ no debt-degree for me thank you very much), I was aware what the benefit of success would be…..enlightenment for my intelligence..who would of thunk it? From this TRX class? A higher fitness level, as well as another buttery layer of righteousness:) I’m still off, but nothing that a shite load of writing won’t cure.