Well, well its been awhile. Not to worry all is fine. Had a few computer blips, coupled with a heavy amount of focus concerning my 10 day cleanse, which I am VERY proud to announce I have completed effective today April 5th~So here I am, back to blogging or yapping, not too sure which is which. I’ve decided going forward since I have 331 days left to go, that I will be submitting blogs either every other day, or bare minimum, once a week. Truth be told I’m at times so pooped at the end of day, I don’t have the energy, though I mention thoughts and realizations into my recorder. The point of the blogging has always been to have this accountability ‘set up’ for myself, as well as a record of this journey. We tend to forget moments in times don’t we? I want to look back on this, when I am an old woman (universe willing), wearing mix-matched colourful moo-moos, and be reminded, that I did something
good GREAT….for myself.
These last five days I dare say, have been life changing for me. I was told during the Ayurvedic workshop that we should take this opportunity to ‘deal’ or ‘confront’ any issues we have with food. While there were moments when I realized I had formed some pretty not-so-good habits, “Yes I’m talking to you Red wine”, I have to say that I mostly have begun to realize that I am in the beginning stages of letting go of who I have been for the last 10 years, and in some cases who I have been for the majority of my life. I’m crying these crocodile tears as I type, for this is for me a terribly profound moment. Since I started doing daily Yoga 32 Days ago, I didn’t know what I was doing exactly, all I knew was that I was going to TRY.
On Monday April 2nd, I was so privileged to attend my first Intro to Meditation class ( different from KYMA ). As I’ve mentioned meditating has always been difficult for me, yet despite this I have felt it was something I needed to incorporate into my life. This particular class I had never noticed on the schedule, mostly I realized afterwards, because it was during the time of the day when I wasn’t able to attend, so I never looked at what classes were offered then. This class, guided by the lovely and calming soul Bonnie, felt beyond comfortable, from the moment I walked into the room. It was a small class, which was perfect for my everything this day. We were given options as to what type of meditation we were interested in, with one them been a healing one. I immediately raised my hand and requested this one, thankfully the rest of the class concurred. From the moment Bonnie started speaking I was inside myself and flowing, visualizing everything, with every word she spoke. At one point, I ‘came back’ consciously and had a feeling I honestly don’t think I have ever felt before, which was complete and utter peace, IN MY BODY. The tears started flowing and not because I was sad, but because I felt so utterly grateful. I laid there relishing this feeling, even ‘playing’ with it. I scanned my body up and down, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, “Yup, I thought, this is actually real, how’s about that!” At the end of the class we were given the option to pick a piece of paper out of this basket. Each piece had a word or saying on it. As I turned mine over, I saw the word…. Grateful.
That evening, most likely due to this wonderful experience, and the fact that my husband’s surprised me with a 12 hour layover, I forgot to give myself my ‘shot’. Each week I am to inject my tummy with a lovely poison called Methedrexate ( I purposely have never learned to spell it correctly), a.k.a chemo drug. This lovely serum keeps my Rheumatoid Arthritis from fully taking advantage of me:) In the past if I had forgotten my shot, we ( my family and I ) would brace ourselves, for this meant that a ’bout’ was inevitable, meaning I’d be sick for 2-3 days in bed with nasty pain. I wept at the thought of this and the fear of missing Yoga. Suffice to say I didn’t sleep much that night. I was to drive my husband back to his truck, which is a bit of a trek, so this just added to my fear and stress. I was also pissed-off, because my daughter and I decided that we were going to start to walk to school in the mornings with our dogs instead of driving (aprox.2.5 miles) We had done it the day prior and it was great. Jesus, now I’m going to disappoint her as well…Good God I remember thinking, this CANNOT BE HAPPENING. My husband drove her to school instead, though not before she came up to say good-bye and whispered in my ear, “It’s o.k Mommy we can go tomorrow”. Cue large knife self-injecting into Mother’s heart. As soon as I heard the car drive off, I got up, shimmed down the stairs and began peeling my carrots and beets for juicing. My husband drove as I sat in the passenger seat doing some good deep Yoga breathing, visualizing the pain exiting my body. With his gentle kisses to my forehead and a long hug good-bye, I got into the car and drove home. I instinctually knew I needed to keep moving. My Hot Yin class wasn’t until 8:30pm, so I decided to go for a swim….o.k?
My goal was to just take it easy and do a few laps for 30 minutes. When I was semi-regularly swimming, my best was 30 laps in 30 minutes. It’s funny, not unlike when I walk, which is only one way~FAST~, I can too only swim a certain way, which again is ~FAST~. I counted 3x sets of 10, stopped, removed my googles and squinted up to see the time. I had done 30 laps in 19 minutes…..holy moly. I realized at this moment something in my body had changed, and her name was STAMINA. Who would of thunk it! I returned home giddy but pooped, not by the swim but from the lack of sleep. I laid down and had a cat nap. I awoke 30 minutes or so later and jolted up. “I have a private Yoga lesson in 30 minutes!” Off I went downtown and proceeded to have a great one-on-one with Monica, who showed me some great lessons on proper alignment ( über important when learning Yoga, otherwise there’s not a lot of reason for doing it at all). This hour lesson gave me the added energy I needed to face the rest of my day.
By the time 6:30pm came around I couldn’t see straight, I was soooooooo tired. I got the kids Subway and went upstairs to bed. Next thing I knew my daughter was beside me whispering, “Mommy its time to go to Yoga”. So up I got and down to the studio I went. I actually fell asleep outside the Hot room while it was getting prepped. Once class began I started to notice a change almost immediately. Each pose we were going into, I just seemed to flow into it, with ease. By the end of class I thought two thoughts: Either I just crossed some sort of “Yoga line” or I just slept thru the entire class and dreamt it all! Monica came up to me and exclaimed “Nancy, holy shit you did awesome!” So it was real, Wowzers! After I changed and checked the time, I noticed the date, April 3rd and then it hit me, I just did Yoga for 30 days straight!
My gift for this feat? An awesome class and a boost for my self-esteem.
I believe the reason I was given these amazing moments, was in part because of this cleanse I’ve been on. For roughly the past 6 days I have been juicing carrot, beet, apple and lemons 2x a day. I am convinced that this, as well as keeping to my regular Yoga practice, has given me what I have needed to get through some tough times. I have been so angry at my body for the pain I have experienced since becoming ill, and all that it has stopped me from doing (or so I thought). What I have come to now realize is that my body is and has always been SEPERATE from my illnesses. I ignorantly grouped them together, unjustly and for this I apologized. I literally had a moment with my body, closed my eyes and said, thru guilty tears, “I’m sorry”. It felt like I was apologizing to a best friend for being a schmuck. I was able to experience that monumental achievement during my Hot Yin class, because I have been nourishing my body with what it has always needed. I have stopped, during these last 10 days of starving ‘her’ and instead began on this ‘Road Less Travelled’ existence of nourishing instead. My body’s response?
~No bout, after missing my shot~
~The ability to meditate and feel complete peace in my body for the first time EVER~
~Achieve 2 monumental goals: 30+ days of consecutive Yoga Practice & A 10 Day Cleanse~
I was asked today what I was going to do, once my cleanse was done.
“Keep on keeping on”
Forget 365 Days, How’s about for the next 45+years