~11:45 am Physio-Logic Neck*shoulder/8:30pm Hot Yin~11:45am Physio-Logic Lower Back~1:30pm Hot Yin~
Mental exercise with today’s entry. Doing all the consecutive Yoga, walking and eating better, left me forgetting that I have these damn diseases. I’ve always joked that this disease stuff is not for me, that I’m not a good sick person. I was reminded later in the day yesterday, that ‘No, you actually are a diseased person Nancy…..Sorry’. I forgot to inject my
poison medication on Monday. I had a bit of a conscience thought that maybe I could just quietly sneak around the corner from ‘it,’ maybe I won’t be missed? Like a lame game of hide and seek, I was found quickly by days end. I am not only trying to get physically better, I am also working on strengthening my mind; Specifically intercepting my triggers. I have worked hard at ricocheting many of them, so as not to allow penetration (forgive me:). Triggers cause, for me, a negative mental reaction. Bottom line, when I experience this intense body pain, I immediately go to depression-land. Before I even know it, shitsville is where I am living, darn you dendrites!
I couldn’t get out of bed, late afternoon-evening and this morning. I realized, after my mind automatically posed the question, “Where the pain meds at,” that I have yet to distinguish this ‘habit or need’ from my brain (thankfully ‘they’ were all flushed 49 days ago). Muscle memory isn’t the only thing I need to learn about. Because of doing daily yoga, my body responds lovingly to many of the poses I do each day. I respond at the end of class with a grateful ‘thank you’. Now onto the mind, this one needs working on, especially with the disease stuff.
I felt really sad this morning, then began to feel that not so good sad. I couldn’t stop it when it started, but was able to realize I needed to physically get up out of bed. Strong memory here, for I know if I stay, much I have worked on will weaken and fall to the ‘back of the line’. I have worked thru a lot of trauma in my life, alone. Despite it being my instinct to do this, I also have to remember that I am blessed to have a best friend…my husband. Recently we were able to get him a cell phone for the road…God what a blessing for all of us. I called him and thru the large truck noises and my sobs, he was able to remind/enlighten me on some things. He reminded me about my deep belief, that my illnesses were created from trauma, and not just some random occurrence; That the ‘work’ I am doing with my mind and body, will garner me enough strength to unravel the choke hold it has had on me all these years.
We spoke also of the additional fight I have each day with my ego. The Yoga studio is buzzing these days with their ” 30 Day Yoga Transformation”. We joked that it is yet another example of something I am ‘part of’ but as usual on the outskirts from, ‘always one foot out of the circle’. Once again my ego jumped in, screaming 30 days! Jesus I’m on day 42, where the fuck is my green bag full of goodies and so on….. My true self/essence piped up, waving it’s loving, yet disapproving finger stating, “Last time I checked, we started this challenge to get better, not for a goodie bag or accolades!”. Your health/mental issues have nothing to do with anybody but you, so FUCK off ego, the doors over there!
And so I return now to some peace, which as this point is not an automatic occurrence. I work hard to get here by reaching out, whether by writing, talking/crying* to my husband, listening to music , etc.. I do this in order to bring myself back home, to where I believe I belong, and that is to my spirit, a.k.a me.