May 17 1:30 Hot Yin~May 18 10am Hot Yin~May 19 230 Intro to wall~May 20 3:00 Hot Yin~May 21 10am Hot Yin~May 22 8:30 Hot Yin~May 23 Mysore/8:30 Hot Yin~May 24 9am Mysore/1:30 Hot Yin~May 25 9am Mysore/11:45 KYMA~May 26 3:00pm Hot Yin~May 27 2:30 On the Wall ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my the RA has decided that it missed wreaking havoc and has nestled back, full-time, into my body. It also seems that the massive mind f&%k that tags along with, has missed it’s ol’ stompin’ grounds. What I’m really trying to say here, is that I have been experiencing a very painful bout for close to ten days now….and with it, a pretty grand funk. I’m not at the point of understanding why this is happening. Once again, I believed I was beating it. Truth be told I don’t think I’ve ever had a right to put this kind of expectation on this ‘war’ of mine. The only plan has been to keep working, day in and day out, on my body with the help of Yoga.
Some strange off-shoots have occurred, ones I never saw coming, like dealing with positive body changes, for instance. One may say, “how is your body changing in a positive way a problem?”. Well for one, I’ve become more self-conscious, which I don’t like….at all. Before, I just accepted that I looked how I looked and rarely put much effort into concerning myself about it. Now it’s kind of become something else that is distracting? Don’t know honestly. The bloated tummy feeling has returned, which in the past was the norm. In this instance, a stress occurs, for I’ve now experienced an ‘alternative’ to the bloated tummy. I actually never knew this feeling was ‘bloated’, until I wasn’t anymore thanks to the ten-day cleanse I did.
I have been struggling also, to recapture the joy and goodness of eating well, and have slipped back into bad habits, which for me is not eating enough. It has occurred to me that food, what I eat specifically, has some very direct link to the RA. Again, one may think …duh! But appreciate, I’ve being used to feeling a certain way for so long, that seemingly obvious points or facts, never appear obviously apparent….though they are starting to, in bits. I’ve had this crap for nearly ten years, so it’s probably going to take a while before I can really, ‘lick it’.
I’ve hit a mental wall, not only with my health, but also with my Yoga practice. My mind just can’t seem to focus, and despite 86 days in, I haven’t improved in this area. The idea of going inwards, with the breath and the gaze, in order to calm all that is roaring within and without, is what really drew me to Yoga. Having said this, I don’t dismiss all the physical practice that I have put in, for it has shown me what I am capable of, and for this I am forever grateful. My youth, with all the sports that I did for many years, in some respects, has been awaken…..quite cool.
My instinct has been strong lately towards something new:
The struggles I have been experiencing with my mind and creeping depression, landed me in a few conversations lately, with some of my teachers. Serge, in particular, suggested that I try a ‘new’ practice to the YP studio, called MySore. Sounds like something I could relate to:) Here’s a link:
This class is offered from 6am to 10 Monday-Friday, with Saturdays as a rest day. There are also no practices on New and Full Moons. I was attracted to this initially for its structure. A teacher is present to adjust and show sequences, but ultimately its ‘Your’ practice. I love my group classes and the ease with following a teacher, but I knew I needed to be challenged in a different way, one that would face me, with me. If I haven’t already mentioned this before, these illnesses I have gathered throughout the years are ones based on much trauma experienced. My nervous system is short circuited in ways that can only be ‘fixed’ my me, and not by pain pills, booze, food etc..this I now know officially.
There are elements of exclusiveness in this world of Ashtanga and MySore, which doesn’t interest me. I am not looking to ‘join’ anything, other than maybe with my badass, authentic self. Yes I believe, and always have, that within all of us is that unique individual, like no other, who was created for a purpose. Most humans, by the time they reach adulthood, have much ‘stuff’, which lays heavily upon their unique selves. We live, and react not upon who we really are, but on what has been done to us, whether by individual(s) or by life, or both. It’s like we’ know better’, yet can’t figure out how to access this wisdom. I have this ever heavy ‘brick’ that sits like an elephant on my unique self, never allowing its full expression. I am teased with ‘snippets’ of my kick ass self, but not enough to create a world for my family that would leave me in peace. The only self I know is this present one, who struggles something fierce just to exist each day. This coupled with constant pain, has landed me many a time in depression-ville. MySore, I am interested to see, may be in part what I need, in order to help with the removal of all this waste and mucky muck.
I will write more about my experience with MySore, as I enter into my first full week, starting tomorrow.