I won’t be listing all the Yoga classes I do each day, for daily Yoga is now part of my life, never ever do I have to think about it, I simply now just go and do it. I am starting again at 0 and working my way to the next hundred. The astrix signifies 100. Today, for example I just completed 8*, my 108th day.
Well, much happens and changes daily, to the point that it’s hard to keep up with all the moments and revelations. Revelations? Yup, it’s kinda of nutty, but I literally have minimum, one revelation or deep conscious thought each day, it’s crazy. When I sit down to write, I trust that what needs revealing will come to the forefront, letting ‘itself’ be known; Set backs, struggles etc… continue to be part of the fold. Speaking of struggles, I have had a whole schwack of them the last few weeks. I wrote recently, about the pain bouts that wouldn’t go away and the emotional wavering that took place. Depression is a bitch and one that hasn’t fully ‘left the building’ in relation to my mind, where it still squats from time to time. I am astutely aware that when I have pain, of the RA variety, for more than a week, the ‘dementors’ come knocking. It’s when negative things come at me and my reactions are not good, that I am ‘thrown’; Sometimes it takes a few rounds until I figure out whats what. In the case of the pain, I know my tolerance (mentally) and what I need to do so as to not be taken over by it. Yoga is this tool I have found out recently, that can help me get thru it. Whether the pain lasts for 2 days or 2 weeks, I feel more confident now that I don’t have to ‘go there’, at least not as deeply as before. May sound silly but I think the diseases have been feeling a tad insecure, which would explain why they’re puffing their chests out so much these days.
My body is also transforming in ways that I can’t quite describe, for its subtle. Learning how to stand properly, grounding my feet, strengthening my legs, all have contributed to soreness, yet it has a point, for I am now standing, sitting, walking etc..as I should be; Soreness in the ways of correction, I can deal with, pain with no purpose I have zippo time for~ (Funny I just heard my teacher J. disagree with this comment:) Pain is communication from the body, it is not pointless. Don’t know if he would actually say this, but regardless this statement may just be true.
One of the interesting aspects to this type of Yoga is how it remains the same, a constant, each and every day I go, yet never boring for additions are added on to the foundation I am building with this, My practice. MySore reminds me of that calm friend some of us are lucky to have, who patiently smiles while we rant and rave. I come to class each morn, after dropping my daughter off at school, and each time I seem to be a different person. My intentions range from trying to allow, yet ignore, my ‘monkey mind’ from being, to just getting thru the sequences without falling over onto someone next to me. Learning the hard way NOT to have that extra extra glass of glorious Malbac the night before, nor any kind of fancy overpriced coffee prior to practicing, is all part of how I see myself and my understanding of Yoga, opening up. It’s like MySore says, ‘what’s what’ without saying anything at all….tricky bugger. I of course can choose to partake in this or that, except now I know better. I also have completely acknowledged the fact that I don’t understand the depths of Yoga, nor will I for many moons. I do know it is much much more than the physical act of the poses, breathing etc… though those are important aspects, just not the ‘absolute’, the ‘holy grail’ if you will. I am still working at it, which is part of the problem and solution. I am in my mind yet not ‘in’ myself just yet.
I believe all will show itself (with explanation) in time, bit by bit, as long as I practice each day with whatever self I bring to my mat. In time maybe all these ‘selves’ will either join together to form one mighty ME, or parts will ‘fall away’, leaving behind my essence. I am living this existence in a way that I don’t actually believe is my ‘truth’, for my world is one not with myself but of the outside world. I appreciate that based on how my life is set up ( children/husband) that I cannot just delve into a complete self-centered ( in a good way) existence, that I must search out a balance. This journey/exploration I have taken on, not shockingly, is becoming more than what it initially seemed to be….