One Ballsey site

Glimmerings of Me 8* June 19, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 4:26 am

 I won’t be listing all the Yoga classes I do each day, for daily Yoga is now part of my life, never ever do I have to think about it, I simply now just go and do it. I am starting again at 0 and working my way to the next hundred. The astrix signifies 100. Today, for example I just completed 8*, my 108th day.

So Yoga….

Well, much happens and changes daily, to the point that it’s hard to keep up with all the moments and revelations. Revelations? Yup, it’s kinda of nutty, but I literally have minimum, one revelation or deep conscious thought each day, it’s crazy. When I sit down to write, I trust that what needs revealing will come to the forefront, letting ‘itself’ be known; Set backs, struggles etc… continue to be part of the fold. Speaking of struggles, I have had a whole schwack of them the last few weeks. I wrote recently, about the pain bouts that wouldn’t go away and the emotional wavering that took place. Depression is a bitch and one that hasn’t fully ‘left the building’ in relation to my mind, where it still squats from time to time. I am astutely aware that when I have pain, of the RA variety, for more than a week, the ‘dementors’ come knocking. It’s when negative things come at me and my reactions are not good, that I am ‘thrown’; Sometimes it takes a few rounds until I figure out whats what. In the case of the pain, I know my tolerance (mentally) and what I need to do so as to not be taken over by it. Yoga is this tool I have found out recently, that can help me get thru it. Whether the pain lasts for 2 days or 2 weeks, I feel more confident now that I don’t have to ‘go there’, at least not as deeply as before. May sound silly but I think the diseases have been feeling a tad insecure, which would explain why they’re puffing their chests out so much these days.

My body is also transforming in ways that I can’t quite describe, for its subtle. Learning how to stand properly, grounding my feet, strengthening my legs, all have contributed to soreness, yet it has a point, for I am now standing, sitting, walking I should be; Soreness in the ways of correction, I can deal with, pain with no purpose I have zippo time for~ (Funny I just heard my teacher J. disagree with this comment:) Pain is communication from the body, it is not pointless. Don’t know if he would actually say this, but regardless this statement may just be true. 

One of the interesting aspects to this type of Yoga is how it remains the same, a constant, each and every day I go, yet never boring for additions are added on to the foundation I am building with this, My practice. MySore reminds me of that calm friend some of us are lucky to have, who patiently smiles while we rant and rave. I come to class each morn, after dropping my daughter off at school, and each time I seem to be a different person. My intentions range from trying to allow, yet ignore, my ‘monkey mind’ from being, to just getting thru the sequences without falling over onto someone next to me. Learning the hard way NOT to have that extra extra glass of glorious Malbac the night before, nor any kind of fancy overpriced coffee prior to practicing, is all part of how I see myself and my understanding of Yoga, opening up. It’s like MySore says, ‘what’s what’ without saying anything at all….tricky bugger. I of course can choose to partake in this or that, except now I know better. I also have completely acknowledged the fact that I don’t understand the depths of Yoga, nor will I for many moons. I do know it is much much more than the physical act of the poses, breathing etc… though those are important aspects, just not the ‘absolute’, the ‘holy grail’ if you will. I am still working at it, which is part of the problem and solution. I am in my mind yet not ‘in’ myself just yet.

 I believe all will show itself (with explanation) in time, bit by bit, as long as I practice each day with whatever self I bring to my mat. In time maybe all these ‘selves’ will either join together to form one mighty ME, or parts will ‘fall away’, leaving behind my essence.  I am living this existence in a way that I don’t actually believe is my ‘truth’, for my world is one not with myself but of the outside world. I appreciate that based on how my life is set up ( children/husband) that I cannot just delve into a complete self-centered ( in a good way) existence, that I must search out a balance. This journey/exploration I have taken on, not shockingly, is becoming more than what it initially seemed to be….



100 Days….:) June 10, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 10:57 pm

Quick diddy this eve. Just wanted to acknowledge this day and the abundance of gratitude I feel. Like any milestone met, it is done with the contribution of many. The following I pay deep homage and gratitude to, Bless You All and thank you.

Cameron, Beck, Scotia, Beth, Esan, Pauline, Sharon, Ida, Monica, Serge, Natasha, Bonnie, Alex, Alessandra, Sandy & Jonathan.

This combination of family and teachers/advisors are what it took to get me thus far.



Acceptance With A New View { 96 } June 7, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 4:05 am

 I had some time to think very early this a.m, just before my household began to stir.  These days if I am awaken ( today by my dog), I just can’t get back to sleep, regardless of how early it is. The unfortunate drawback, other than feeling tired, is that this ol’ body starts chattering with pain. Never Ever does the RA skip a beat. Some tiredness threshold seems to get hit,  like that carnival game, “Step Right Up, Step Right Up!”, Ding!!! The bell today was definitely rung, BUT for whatever reason, I didn’t experience the complete cause-and-effect scenario I normally would……interesting.  I chatted with my husband briefly about how like clockwork the thumping starts, just like that (finger snap). “Yup, probably always will”….. MOMENTARY FREEZE.  See normally, he would have gotten a look for saying this, and I’d possibly have felt offended. Today, not so much. The moment I heard him say this, I thought “he’s probably right”, and with it,  a deep feeling of acceptance.


Not sure if this means anything, but it just occurred to me that for as long as I have being sick, I have consciously chosen NOT to accept what I have, meaning I’ve never let it define me, or have I? I’d always figured that as long as I ‘ignore’ it, the less of a grip it would have on me. Even when in bed for many years,  I remember still feeling defiant like, ‘Nope you’re not gonna get me’. Kind of goofey when I look back now, but then it was how I survived, giving in would have meant….not returning, I think I always knew this in the back of my mind.

Maybe I’m being played, reverse psychology? By not accepting it, am I actually allowing it to win? Is it like when we’re told to ‘forgive those who have hurt us, so that we are no longer held prisoner by the hurt/pain?” 

This feeling of acceptance has carried me far today. In relation to Yoga, since that’s what this blog is supposed to be about:) I began to feel that this journey to ‘heal’ my body and mind has no straightforward path to follow, evident when I re-read some past entries. The expectation of myself and body is one that needs a tad re-examining. The new question that comes to mind now, is this:

What is my overall mindset when I head to Yoga each day?

Sometimes I worry, like these days, hoping that I won’t forget the poses/sequences, or of getting injured, which I did the other day during MySore:) or whether I am going to be able to focus ‘properly’ during class….the list goes on. How does Yoga, Acceptance and Me fit together? I’m feeling there’s something here that I need to explore further….much further.

First off, I instinctually feel that I am missing some vital ‘points’ of understanding. I want to wake up and practice, feeling only one thing, o.k maybe two things.

1) grateful & 2)peaceful

A quinky dink both these words end in ‘ful’? fulfillment?

~Super-sized, please and thanks~

Ideally I would like this to carry over to my day-to-day existence. As I lay here, despite being in pain (which is why this inspiring wave feels good), I see how my life may very well change, for the better, if I ‘SEE All’ with a different set of eyes. For a long time now I have witnessed life each day as either one of disappointment in myself, for what I haven’t accomplished, or one with much angst and trepidation. I tried to visualize myself as an old woman, looking at myself in the now; What I saw was much colour, and a big smile. My head lovingly turning back and forth, with the words “Nance, don’t worry so much, get in there and do what you do”.

Not unlike when I think back at myself during my twenties, recalling my belief then, that my foundation was built, that I knew enough, I sit here now, and smile.

I can’t help thinking of that saying I used to say to my kids when they were little, “Lets turn those frowns upside down”. Without any nagging stressful feelings, I can quite easily observe the next 20 odd years of my life, and its quality if I stay with these present ‘eyes’/perspective. Not unlike the different feelings us Canadians have when our seasons change, and a new backdrop kerplunk is felt, and with it different emotions, a change on my life’s stage, I hope, will occur, for I know there are better ways of living and being.  

My ultimate dream at this point is this:

When I open my eyes each morn, whether I’m in pain or not, I want to ‘SEE’ all that I have, and the vast opportunities I can create for myself and family.