I had some time to think very early this a.m, just before my household began to stir. These days if I am awaken ( today by my dog), I just can’t get back to sleep, regardless of how early it is. The unfortunate drawback, other than feeling tired, is that this ol’ body starts chattering with pain. Never Ever does the RA skip a beat. Some tiredness threshold seems to get hit, like that carnival game, “Step Right Up, Step Right Up!”, Ding!!! The bell today was definitely rung, BUT for whatever reason, I didn’t experience the complete cause-and-effect scenario I normally would……interesting. I chatted with my husband briefly about how like clockwork the thumping starts, just like that (finger snap). “Yup, probably always will”….. MOMENTARY FREEZE. See normally, he would have gotten a look for saying this, and I’d possibly have felt offended. Today, not so much. The moment I heard him say this, I thought “he’s probably right”, and with it, a deep feeling of acceptance.
Not sure if this means anything, but it just occurred to me that for as long as I have being sick, I have consciously chosen NOT to accept what I have, meaning I’ve never let it define me, or have I? I’d always figured that as long as I ‘ignore’ it, the less of a grip it would have on me. Even when in bed for many years, I remember still feeling defiant like, ‘Nope you’re not gonna get me’. Kind of goofey when I look back now, but then it was how I survived, giving in would have meant….not returning, I think I always knew this in the back of my mind.
Maybe I’m being played, reverse psychology? By not accepting it, am I actually allowing it to win? Is it like when we’re told to ‘forgive those who have hurt us, so that we are no longer held prisoner by the hurt/pain?”
This feeling of acceptance has carried me far today. In relation to Yoga, since that’s what this blog is supposed to be about:) I began to feel that this journey to ‘heal’ my body and mind has no straightforward path to follow, evident when I re-read some past entries. The expectation of myself and body is one that needs a tad re-examining. The new question that comes to mind now, is this:
What is my overall mindset when I head to Yoga each day?
Sometimes I worry, like these days, hoping that I won’t forget the poses/sequences, or of getting injured, which I did the other day during MySore:) or whether I am going to be able to focus ‘properly’ during class….the list goes on. How does Yoga, Acceptance and Me fit together? I’m feeling there’s something here that I need to explore further….much further.
First off, I instinctually feel that I am missing some vital ‘points’ of understanding. I want to wake up and practice, feeling only one thing, o.k maybe two things.
1) grateful & 2)peaceful
A quinky dink both these words end in ‘ful’? fulfillment?
~Super-sized, please and thanks~
Ideally I would like this to carry over to my day-to-day existence. As I lay here, despite being in pain (which is why this inspiring wave feels good), I see how my life may very well change, for the better, if I ‘SEE All’ with a different set of eyes. For a long time now I have witnessed life each day as either one of disappointment in myself, for what I haven’t accomplished, or one with much angst and trepidation. I tried to visualize myself as an old woman, looking at myself in the now; What I saw was much colour, and a big smile. My head lovingly turning back and forth, with the words “Nance, don’t worry so much, get in there and do what you do”.
Not unlike when I think back at myself during my twenties, recalling my belief then, that my foundation was built, that I knew enough, I sit here now, and smile.
I can’t help thinking of that saying I used to say to my kids when they were little, “Lets turn those frowns upside down”. Without any nagging stressful feelings, I can quite easily observe the next 20 odd years of my life, and its quality if I stay with these present ‘eyes’/perspective. Not unlike the different feelings us Canadians have when our seasons change, and a new backdrop kerplunk is felt, and with it different emotions, a change on my life’s stage, I hope, will occur, for I know there are better ways of living and being.
My ultimate dream at this point is this:
When I open my eyes each morn, whether I’m in pain or not, I want to ‘SEE’ all that I have, and the vast opportunities I can create for myself and family.