Continuing I am, though based on my lack of blogging, some may be sensing I’ve dropped out. Like any large endeavour, this one has many facets and as such becomes at times, overwhelming. Doing Yoga is not the overwhelming part, it’s all that’s coming from doing Yoga, that has me in a bit of a tizzy. I began looking for a ‘way out’ from the prison of chronic illness and depression, what I’ve been handed is not so much a clean bill of health, since I still have pain and at times multi-day bouts, but experiences that I never saw coming. As an example, during this last week I was PMSing, which is not so interesting or rare (sadly), the emotions still ran high at times, the tiredness still prevalent, heck even the added ‘cherry on top’ of RA pain made an appearance. What was newly apparent, was this strong sense that I had a type of ‘wing man’. I felt very strongly, ‘it’ positioned right next to, or ‘ on par’ with the nuttiness that comes from my monthly ‘visitor’ ( a term my Mother always used to say). I never made any attempts to squash my, at times hormonal behaviour, yet this calming presence seemed to be there, spoiling me in a way, watering, these irrational emotions, down. I witnessed this dichotomy and felt its effect…..bizzare, yet extraordinary.
My immediate question then was: Is this my consciousness being awakened, or was it just a quinkey-dink? Seems I still have this fear of falling into a bowl full of cheeze, desiring never to become or sound like any version of flakey. Doing Yoga has unravelled something inside of me. I don’t yet understand how this is taking place, but I feel confident I can foresee a future where I am no longer ravaged, not completely anyways, by fear and insecurity. Is this my ‘ticket’ out of this ‘coulda should woulda land’?
I said many a time to friends and family, during my bed-in sickey years, that I felt a glimmer of myself, ‘deep down’, that was healthy and fit. Last night I looked down and witnessed how strong my legs look and feel, how I can cycle 5+miles and be o.k afterwards, how I can get thru a hard-core core class and still be able to get out of bed the next day.
I jokingly said months ago that I would know when I had ‘made it’ fit-wise, when my belly button no longer was frowning, as well as a clear and distinct view of my lady parts:) Neither of these have been reached quite yet, but I feel comfortable enough to wear a bikini, despite still having Le tummy, for I am learning that HOW I feel is much more important than how I LOOK. For this, about to be 43-year-old lass, beginning to feel comfortable in my skin, slowly but surely is quite extraordinary.
My current schedule consists of daily MySore and depending on how I’m feeling, I’ll add in a nighttime Hot Yin or if I’m feeling courageous, a Hot Flow/Core Class. I’ve attended a few ‘advanced’ classes’ and quickly learned that despite having done Yoga for 125 days, I have a ways to go before sweating along side some of my fellow Yogi’s. Perspective, from having my bottom kicked here and there, is just fine for this zygote of a Yogini.