Not sure why I feel like I’m currently living in another realm but I do, so that’s that. It feels a bit like my big toe is in one world as well as in another. I had set this goal of doing Yoga for a period of days, 365 to be exact, for it seemed like a gnarley endeavour and one with such a grand number, that I’d expected more would exclaim “that’s not possible!”……lord knows many did; Seems they maybe right….or not. I suppose it depends on one’s definition of success.
I may always be in wonderment as to why my body does what it does, or more fairly, why these ‘conditions’ do what they do. See, I’ve been sick, with mucho pain as of late, and with it a lack of mobility. Pain so tough, so deep, I described it to my far-away husband, as an experience like that of a prize fighter…..and the ‘effects’ felt, days after the ‘big fight’. I don’t understand why these ’bouts’ ( funny with the boxing reference in-play), keep popping up? I’m eating better, moving my body this way and that, EVERY F*cKing day, so what gives? My smarter wiser-self pipes up and reminds thou self, “when has ANYThing EveR worked out as you would have liked’?
It is what it is, or in this case as I type post-bout, it was what it was; Crap gotta pee…too much vino and time for bed….gotta be a Mama lord knows in 7+ hours. Ahh..remember the days when all I had to concern myself with was ME? Come to think of it, when I look back to those days, I believe I was quite an asshole, so better off as I am now I figure…
Later days since the above was written, and with it time to think, ponder and bravely admit something. During that last bout…..I wasn’t able to do Yoga…for one day. Interestingly, I would have thought that I would have been down, über down, with the failure ‘cap’ on, knowing I didn’t accomplish this goal of doing Yoga for # of consecutive days. Funny thing was that I didn’t even think of it at the time, nor did I afterwards when I began to feel better….huh. My current explanation? I must have grown since the days of creating this goal? When I began, I was, as I can recognize now, driven by my ego, specifically FEAR. I NEEDED to accomplish SOMETHING or else….for I felt very much on the edge, like this life I was living was not one that was able to progress much further, based on, what I now feel was my lack of BEIng. I’ve known for many moons, that I am more than what I have shown or have ‘become’. Now? I feel and sense more fully, that I am good, probably always have been, though adults around me in my youth said different. I’ve spent SO much time living my present in the past, as well as in the future, that I’ve missed where I was, and that is here, and more specifically, in this..the Now. As goofy as it may read to others, especially those not knowing the whole “enchilada”….I’ve come A LONG WAY BABY and for this I feel…..satisfied. Yes, I missed a day of Yoga, am I a failure? HELL NO! I’m just me whose got this bitch of a condition that kicks my butt now and then, that’s all. What’s different now compared to the days in my past, during those ‘in between’ times, when I wasn’t in pain? I’m no longer depressed, I’m active with my children, I’m more patient, less angry and more forgiving….especially of myself.
Yoga has gently, peeled away bit by bit my trauma and sadness and revealed to me, who I’ve sensed all along, that being my essence, which ultimately is, MY~ SELF.
Yoga has and will always be part of my daily life, though if unforseen events ‘interrupt’, so be it…it’s all good, for tomorrow’s another day.