I laid in bed today….all day. Unable to sleep last night, no matter how hard I tried, plus the Moon refused to dim its light, so what am I gonna do? Throughout my Yoga experience I’ve come to appreciate and understand many things, many of which I have graciously been taught by kind giving people. It was said that Yoga is a way of being and living, and part of this, my take anyways, is to be brave and do what is instinctual, no matter what. Most of us are scared of trying something we’ve always wanted to do, which is hard enough in itself; living up to society’s or peers expectations, well THAT I thankfully now KNOW is malarkey. I have been told I’m not a writer, not a clothing designer, script writer, hell I even heard recently that pictures of me posted on this blog aren’t me? Crazy. When I think about what percentage I have spent, energy wise, on trying to be or not to be, forsaking myself and personal happiness, well it’s a tad scary. I do what I do because it brings me joy and for no other reason. Some business projects I’m starting to work on, for the first time in 8 years, I am doing ,for the pure fun of it. Passion trumps all YO, the naysayers, the ‘threatened ones,
Bless you always, but Fuck Off.
Below is a rambling I’ve been tinkering with, could turn into ‘nothing more’ than a story for my children and grandchildren, but that would be for the future to determine, when it happens! Not now, nope, right now I am writing what is happening to my HERE and my NOW, what I’m slowly learning, is the place to really Be.
Story Opens with a 40 yr old mother/wife/chronic pain recipient returning home after a long day…..
Flashback sequences (childhood, pre-mother years) create a ’cause and effect’ feel to her daily family situations. Her self-awareness and wounded warrior self causes a painful dynamic to exist. She lives with her ‘ghost self’, all the emotional deaths experienced;this ‘self’ is an ominous part of her that she battles to understand. She fights to shed this ‘skin’ from her difficult past by deconstructing it thru her blogging.
Her Mother’s mind always trying to do right by her children, which tends to brings her to her knees… frequently. Do unto them which was Not done unto her, all the while trying to choke up the courage to bring creativity in some form, back into her life. This, she clings to like a life-line of sorts, never wanting to let go for fear that she will lose herself, and who she is and possible meant to be. The gentle voice from her inner self guides her like a friend, always patient, never judgmental though always ‘there’ tugging at her not to forget…herself. Many (her family) get caught in the crossfire of this epic battle.
She has identified the flashbacks as her story, the foundation , but how does she stay true to herself while trying to do the same for her kids (*note:mind modes). Stay true stay true.
Loving her mate her best friend, she tries to guide him to a state of consciousness ( his own) showing him how to learn from pain and to see his ‘shine’; noble in theory, messy in reality.
Complicating things are her health problems ( fears, imprinting from adolescence), trying to keep her marriage together and the naysayers at bay ( people on different planets).
The realization of Herself and the bravery required. Kicking the shite, on a daily basis out of her ego (devil within) and its many facets of fear, doubt and recklessness. “Get Up Stand Up!” that’s the first goal every morning. Falling down happens repeatedly.
Reconciling childhood with all the gaps rare memories: Ice rink, needing her mother’s attention and love isolation -starkness – red velvet skating dress.
Youth and Adolescence:
flashes of alcoholism and her ‘security blanket made of mink . The smell of gin and olives, a near car fatality, hiding in closets-performing for the elite, pushing away advances until…they win- dirty old men. New city, peer crushing, adolescence on the outskirts. JewCREW gets his way….shame, notoriety unwanted, house of silence. SLUT…what does that mean Mommy?
Not ruptured appendix…quite the opposite.
SWITCH UP…never the same
Running away from her impending death. Still zooming, same clothes on since last nite’s bar escapades, something awakens her in the early morn/ taxi ride home… Just reaching the second step she looks up to hear “Mom’s gone”….no more beautiful tree-lined neighborhood for her.
Homelessness, DQ coins, 3 blocks from old Prep School, watching school girls wearing her uniform.. flashback,
GNT’s & speed, deep well of loneliness now dug. Having sex in all the wrong places: underground red light bars, the dentist chair, the artist, the taxi man, nature boy, lake friends, just plain good-looking… resulting with the feeling that be couldn’t denied, the naysayers, “MY CHOICE, MY PRO-CHOICE” she yells celebrating with red licorice and her perfect beautiful baby boy..”My Savior My Bk”
Welfare Princess years, then
Time to Shine.
My Mate & I: the anticipation of sunshine, tunnel vision to his heart, the hug, the longing, the grassy knoll, into each other…yummy yummy all the time.
The news, her death/milk comes in,alone, sliding down the wall onto the kitchen floor….over come by anguish & guilt
love realized, more loss, taking a stand NO MORE SADNESS!
2nd go – fear and acid reflux, the “do-over”/gift for him/ “I am ONLY a vessel , I repeat, I am ONLY a vessel, Can’t get close to ‘it’ again, can’t bear it..”
Not just a vessel..learning to love and to forgive herself, allowing to be loved by her perfect new baby girl
Such tremendous gifts from her dead daughter.
Illness avec newly vacationed depths of despair, the well runs deeper.
Really life she questions, really? For fuck sakes..
Shine no more, darkness sets in, isolation with bedtime stories,
“In this corner….where are you my man, I can’t see you anymore”
In search of….normalcy – a decade’s + journey, how many jobs are enough? Spinning circle going nowhere fast, better grow up, better grow up
Easy way out and the trust of another, capsizing, loosing it all –
Cutting family ties, blood DEFINITELY DOES NOT run deeper..
Faith swooping in to save the day along with some righteous babes
“My 4am friends”, renewal with a clear-eyed vision.
Thank you Julia C. and the creative art found in nourishing all my loves,
Another act of love found.
“Love is all that matters”
“No we can’t afford it, sorry maybe next year, unexposed talents of the young unrealized, well deepens again
ENOUGH! I can do this, WE can do this!
Money versus Consciousness.
Distances & his work closer hearts, plate shifting
Stand Up! Find Yourself! Look at them they Need You!
“Negotiating my girl’s future with a millionaire and his German toilets”.
“Piecing back together my boy’s shattered spiri”t, his response with a wash of sarcasm “Nice job mommy”.
No escaping, choking on it. “True artistry is not a choice” Ya? try telling that to my banker.
Ultimately her impending death causes ‘Top Tens’ to be created about everything they need to know. It is her gift to them (her children) A Coles Notes version, a place for quick reference (scene with children now grown up shattered from some kind of personal experience, looking for the divorce paper she comes across her copy opens and reads).
They (son and daughter talk on the phone, sister reminding the brother of “Mom”s Top Ten what to expect..) both repeat their Mom’s mantra her repeated saying
“When life takes a harsh turn, which it will.. Expect This” Opening Scene?
It’s ultimately about a parent wanting her children to be prepared for life.
The Story of her life and getting banged around, being blind to what was to come.
Emotional lasagna, what to and not to layer their internal selves with
Recycling the Reincarnation of experiences: What to do with what has happened to them
Compost it and see what grows