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A Different Kind Of ‘Yoga’ October 30, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 7:20 pm
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I laid in bed today….all day. Unable to sleep last night, no matter how hard I tried, plus the Moon refused to dim its light, so what am I gonna do?  Throughout my Yoga experience I’ve come to appreciate and understand many things, many of which I have graciously been taught by kind giving people. It was said that Yoga is a way of being and living, and part of this, my take anyways, is to be brave and do what is instinctual, no matter what. Most of us are scared of trying something we’ve always wanted to do, which is hard enough in itself; living up to society’s or peers expectations, well THAT I thankfully now KNOW is malarkey. I have been told I’m not a writer, not a clothing designer, script writer, hell I even heard recently that pictures of me posted on this blog aren’t me? Crazy. When I think about what percentage I have spent, energy wise, on trying to be or not to be, forsaking myself  and personal happiness, well it’s a tad scary. I do what I do because it brings me joy and for no other reason. Some business projects I’m starting to work on, for the first time in 8 years, I am doing ,for the pure fun of it. Passion trumps all YO, the naysayers, the ‘threatened ones,

Bless you always, but Fuck Off.

 Below is a rambling I’ve been tinkering with, could turn into ‘nothing more’ than a story for my children and grandchildren, but that would be for the future to determine, when it happens! Not now, nope, right now I am writing what is happening to my HERE and my NOW, what I’m slowly learning, is the place to really Be. 

Namaste

“Expect This”

 

Story Opens with a 40 yr old mother/wife/chronic pain recipient returning home after a long day…..

Synopsis I
Flashback sequences (childhood, pre-mother years) create a ’cause and effect’ feel to her daily family situations. Her self-awareness and wounded warrior self causes a painful dynamic to exist. She lives with her ‘ghost self’, all the emotional deaths experienced;this ‘self’ is an ominous part of her that she battles to understand. She fights to shed this ‘skin’ from her difficult past by deconstructing it thru her blogging.
Her Mother’s mind always trying to do right by her children, which tends to brings her to her knees… frequently. Do unto them which was Not done unto her, all the while trying to choke up the courage to bring creativity in some form, back into her life. This, she clings to like a life-line of sorts, never wanting to let go for fear that she will lose herself, and who she is and possible meant to be. The gentle voice from her inner self guides her like a friend, always patient, never judgmental though always ‘there’ tugging at her not to forget…herself. Many (her family) get caught in the crossfire of this epic battle.

She has identified the flashbacks as her story, the foundation , but how does she stay true to herself while trying to do the same for her kids (*note:mind modes). Stay true stay true.

Loving her mate her best friend, she tries to guide him to a state of consciousness ( his own) showing him how to learn from pain and to see his ‘shine’; noble in theory, messy in reality.
Complicating things are her health problems ( fears, imprinting from adolescence), trying to keep her marriage together and the naysayers at bay ( people on different planets).

The realization of Herself and the bravery required. Kicking the shite, on a daily basis out of her ego (devil within) and its many facets of fear, doubt and recklessness. “Get Up Stand Up!” that’s the first goal every morning. Falling down happens repeatedly.

Themes:
Reconciling childhood with all the gaps rare memories: Ice rink, needing her mother’s attention and love isolation -starkness – red velvet skating dress.

Youth and Adolescence:

flashes of alcoholism and her ‘security blanket made of mink . The smell of gin and olives, a near car fatality, hiding in closets-performing for the elite, pushing away advances until…they win- dirty old men. New city, peer crushing, adolescence on the outskirts. JewCREW gets his way….shame, notoriety unwanted, house of silence. SLUT…what does that mean Mommy?
Not ruptured appendix…quite the opposite.
SWITCH UP…never the same
Running away from her impending death. Still zooming, same clothes on since last nite’s bar escapades, something awakens her in the early morn/ taxi ride home… Just reaching the second step she looks up to hear “Mom’s gone”….no more beautiful tree-lined neighborhood for her.

Homelessness, DQ coins, 3 blocks from old Prep School, watching school girls wearing her uniform.. flashback,
GNT’s & speed, deep well of loneliness now dug. Having sex in all the wrong places: underground red light bars, the dentist chair, the artist, the taxi man, nature boy, lake friends, just plain good-looking… resulting with the feeling that be couldn’t denied, the naysayers, “MY CHOICE, MY PRO-CHOICE” she yells celebrating with red licorice and her perfect beautiful baby boy..”My Savior My Bk”
Welfare Princess years, then

Time to Shine.

My Mate & I: the anticipation of sunshine, tunnel vision to his heart, the hug, the longing, the grassy knoll, into each other…yummy yummy all the time.
The news, her death/milk comes in,alone, sliding down the wall  onto the kitchen floor….over come by anguish & guilt
 love realized, more loss, taking a stand NO MORE SADNESS!
Commitment forever
2nd go – fear and acid reflux, the “do-over”/gift for him/ “I am ONLY a vessel , I repeat, I am ONLY a vessel, Can’t get close to ‘it’ again, can’t bear it..”
Not just a vessel..learning to love and to forgive herself, allowing to be loved by her perfect new baby girl
Such tremendous gifts from her dead daughter.
Illness avec newly vacationed depths of despair, the well runs deeper.

Really life she questions, really? For fuck sakes..

Shine no more, darkness sets in, isolation with bedtime stories,
“In this corner….where are you my man, I can’t see you anymore”
In search of….normalcy – a decade’s + journey, how many jobs are enough? Spinning circle going nowhere fast, better grow up, better grow up
Easy way out and the trust of another, capsizing, loosing it all –
Cutting family ties, blood DEFINITELY DOES NOT run deeper..
Faith swooping in to save the day along with some righteous babes
“My 4am friends”, renewal with a clear-eyed vision.
Thank you Julia C. and the creative art found in nourishing all my loves,
Another act of love found.
“Love is all that matters”
“No we can’t afford it, sorry maybe next year, unexposed talents of the young unrealized, well deepens again
ENOUGH! I can do this, WE can do this!
Money versus Consciousness.
Distances & his work closer hearts, plate shifting
Stand Up! Find Yourself! Look at them they Need You!
“Negotiating my girl’s future with a millionaire and his German toilets”.
“Piecing back together my boy’s shattered spiri”t, his response with a wash of sarcasm “Nice job mommy”.
No escaping, choking on it. “True artistry is not a choice”  Ya? try telling that to my banker.

 

Ultimately her impending death causes ‘Top Tens’ to be created about everything they need to know. It is her gift to them (her children) A Coles Notes version, a place for quick reference (scene with children now grown up shattered from some kind of personal experience, looking for the divorce paper she comes across her copy opens and reads).
They (son and daughter talk on the phone, sister reminding the brother of “Mom”s Top Ten what to expect..) both repeat their Mom’s mantra her repeated saying
“When life takes a harsh turn, which it will.. Expect This” Opening Scene?

It’s ultimately about a parent wanting her children to be prepared for life.
The Story of her life and getting banged around, being blind to what was to come.
Emotional lasagna, what to  and not to  layer their internal selves with
Recycling the Reincarnation of experiences: What to do with what has happened to them
Compost it and see what grows

 

 

 

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Homecoming Part I October 28, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 4:14 pm

After re-reading my last blog entry, I realized how stuck I’ve been in this place where I have ‘lived’. This dwelling found, where I had dug myself in, never wanting to fully commit to any other way of being or feeling, came from much past trauma(s) and their residual effects, though truly cemented when I became sick at age 32. It is a syndrome of sorts, where many of us have, and in some cases still do, ‘live’. How is it that anyone would want to live in some state which saddens them so? In 2~words..’knowning comfort’, ironically. We only know what we ‘know’, irrelevant sadly, whether it makes sense or not. Many a times we choose to accept this state of mind instead of figuring a way out. This is where I feel so terribly lucky, for at some point I have seemed to always know when it’s time to ‘get out’ and find a solution. This last ten years, having said this, saw my resolve buried deeply beneath the ‘pain mind-set’, one of the most challenging fights I have ever had to fight.   

I can ‘see’ while reading my blogs and other forms of expression, who’s been in charge up until now; yup I’m talking about you ego, and your daily reminders of my past and “worrisome” future. Present? nope, ego can’t ‘touch this’, thank God. The ‘now’, the ‘present’ is ‘where its at’, THIS I have officially arrived at believing.  I’ve read and have referred to it as the ego, for it is all I have ever understood it to be. It is irrelevant what the name is, only that I understand and acknowledge the division ( and a long one at that ), between ‘it’ and I. This may very well explain  much of my depression throughout the years, for I’ve always ‘known’ I was a long way from home, a.k.a myself, but have never had a clue as to how to get there. 

 ~Enter Yoga~

Something happened this week during my practice that has, to date, changed how I see and feel about my life and current struggles. I have been taught from Day One that the key to practicing Yoga ( asanas) is threefold; Breath~ ( equally in and out ), Focus~ the mind only on the moment at hand and finally to position the body correctly within whichever pose~alignment wise one is able. These three very distinct ‘practices’ I have struggled with, something fierce. In spite of this, thankfully I have never quit, which to be honest was surprising, though when I began to analyse why this was so, the answer jumped right out, front and center. I have, over the years played subconsciously the ‘role’ of a sick person. There has been many incarnations, but truth be told, I have used my conditions to keep me far far away, from….myself and life. Doing Yoga for the last 7 months, has subtly peeled away these ‘walls’ and excuses I have put up, for fear of ‘failing’ myself and my family…again.

Repeatedly I am told in Yoga, “Nancy this is a process”, as well as,” have faith and be patient”; “God help me”, I so remember thinking many times. Regardless, I have gone to practice, and MORE importantly gone BACK after having been away. Due to experiencing such great relief from the series of ’bouts’ ( pain sessions 3-4 days ) that I used to have, now down to one a week give or take, plus muscle strength and weight loss, has given me hope, hope and a realization that “I am more than what I have become” ( cheezy but true ). I’ve sensed that I have just scratched the surface of what was possible in Yoga and ultimately how my life has and will continue to move forward, for the better because of it….. AMAZING. It is the key, when used properly, that has and will open fully my Pandora’s box. Feeling my abilities, knowing my limits had not yet been reached, kept me down. Now? I see my potential by way of visualization and the strong belief that I can find my way to that which is my purpose and point in this life. Actually I have a few purposes, but as the Yogi’s say “all in due time”.

~Le Moment~

Funny as I think about it now, I can’t remember the day this week in which I had, what I like to refer to as ‘le moment’, though I remember how I felt walking out of the studio after my practice was done. I entered the studio early with my daughter as usual, though instead of ‘jumping right in’, I took a moment and asked myself some questions. “What are you doing now? Where are you?, I dutifully answered, “In Yoga, about to do my practice”; From that moment on, I focused only on what I was doing in each moment, pose after pose. I also felt able to focus on my breath and making the intake and outtakes longer. The actual poses, having now done them for 90 plus days was somewhat secondary. I was so focused that I didn’t realize HOW focused I was, until I walked out of the room. I felt energized with a tinge of peace and then ‘le moment’. Can’t really describe it other than to say I felt like ‘I got it’, I understood; I understood what can happen when the ‘trinity’ (focus, breath and position/alignment) are working ‘as one’. 

Experiencing the ol’ “Ah ha” moment is wonderful, but sometimes due to  habits, one goes back to the old ways of thinking and reacting. I have felt irritated at myself  when this happens. “Practice, practice, practice”, I hear my  teacher saying. He of course is not referring to the physical practice, but the mental one.

 I went out with one of my favourite Yoga teachers and learned, after I expressed a feeling of ‘missing something’,  a lack of ‘silence’, after my practice is done, and if there was something I could try to feel more complete.   Starting this coming week, I will be sitting and meditating for a few minutes after my shavasana, which is technically the official reason for doing asanas, to prepare the mind, body and spirit for meditation. Not unlike what I have felt as a Mother and the natural instincts that come up, Yoga too has these kinds of ‘instincts’ which I have experienced with this need of silence, as well as in areas concerning food, it’s really interesting. The meditation’s purpose, as I understand it is to deepen the connection which is in essence ‘powering up’ my spirit with the belief that when I walk outside into my life, I will have the means in which to continue on with what I now want to do. Yoga has and will undoubtably be the ‘medicine’ required to aid me in my quest towards attaining fulfillment. I visualize, when negative thoughts, feelings or anxiety try to pull me away from my center, by letting them go as I continue to choose now the work of finding my way home.

Namaste

 

A Simple Plan October 17, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 9:57 pm
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Eeesh….

A simple run of the mill gal ( something I’ve always dreamed of being ), I am not. It is in my opinion, a fact that “everyone has a story”, that we can never assume anything about anyone, though I’m still hard pressed in believing that there aren’t those who function well, WITHOUT having to think and question  EVERYTHING THEY DO.

 I tend to see a lot of the same people each day at Yoga, which is nice. I get the sense that most go and do their practice, whether it be Mysore or a guided class, shower, get dressed and go on with their day…..beautiful and simple. I on the other hand struggle with just being able to get through the practice, mentally that is, for I can’t seem to not think, which ultimately short changes me from a full experience.

I have struggled a lot thru learning about Yoga, which if I were a Buddhist would make much sense, for the first Noble Truth speaks of suffering. Suffering for me, thankfully, has always granted much knowledge and dare I say at times wisdom.  Having this need to understand and follow thru on whatever I’m experiencing, no matter how difficult, makes the ‘end’ ( a healthy state of mind, body and spirit) justify whatever the means is or was. My personal journey, by no means is easy, and at times has been even torturous, but in spite of it all…is well worth it, THIS, some part of me has always BELIEVED.

I felt I needed to write something for the last week n’a bit, for I don’t know where I’m at…., especially with my Yoga practice. I have no fear that Yoga has left me, nor I it, but something is definitely up. When I returned from a bit of a departure this summer and came back ‘home’ to my practice, I felt so happy and comfortable. I don’t know when, but at some point I started feeling empty. Good God, what NOW! I became so frustrated as to why I can’t seemingly be like ‘those other kind’ of people who just come, practice and go….period. Simplicity, this I desire more than anything else.

I had a really interesting visual today while in my shavasana, post practice. I ‘saw’ my state of mind ( more so than any of life’s current stressors ) in the shape of  a ball, while surrounded by this message that said, in essence, “you’ve got it all here, you need not be sad nor doubtful of yourself any longer”. I don’t know why I can’t seem to live in this existence each and everyday?  The good news is that I feel gratitude more often than not.  The key though is ‘dissolving’  this bundle of angst, depression and fear into this wonderfulness that surrounds it.  

Earlier this morning, I had a brief chat with my Yoga teacher. He said “you look good,”; almost immediately in disbelief I responded, “Really?”….He continued, “those with busy minds have a very difficult time meditating, which is why this kind of practice is so important to do”( I had questioned earlier whether I needed to meditate on top of doing my daily practice in order to help with my focus problems) “Just settle your mind on what you’re doing, whether it’s your downward dog, triangle pose, whatever, just think about that moment”. Ah ha! again it all comes back to being in the NOW.

It’s possible that I may have had these empty feeling after my practice, because all  I’ve done is allowed my mind  to be pre-occupied with all that makes up this ever heavy ball of angst I carry around with me everywhere, all day long. 

From the moment I walk in to the studio, I must ask all the ‘crazy’ to wait for me…..’over there’ beside the plants, near the comfy couch. J. also made a good point in that for the hour or so I spend in Yoga, at this point, it will only benefit me ‘out there’ for so long. Because I am striving to live a Yoga life, not just do a Yoga practice, this immediately puts me on a longer ‘road less travelled’. As mentioned earlier, there are those who come and go and need nothing more, or those who have been doing this for so long, the grace and peace created from  their practice, nutrition, chanting and meditation, carries them longer throughout their days than those of us who have just begun. 

The difficulty with me is my expectations, man this is one word I’d like to turf. It’s heavy presence I have carried with me since…forever; it is a burden very much worth kicking to the curb. My story I am starting to understand, is difficult due to the enormity of  all which needs unravelling from within me. My life has never been short on drama,though now I am  starting to see the choke hold it has on me, and it’s attempt from me being ‘released’. Going through a very difficult time with my son, who is struggling in his own life, among all the other worries, definitely makes this time and my ‘work’ with myself  that much tougher.

 I think complacency may kill my drive, which I suppose is a God sent, for its possible my frustration trigger may have been alerting me to another road I have no desire to be on.  For now, I do think I need to take a chill pill concerning the expectations on my beaten up mind and body, and take from what I have written here today and test my current muddy waters to see what comes of it.

Namaste