A simple run of the mill gal ( something I’ve always dreamed of being ), I am not. It is in my opinion, a fact that “everyone has a story”, that we can never assume anything about anyone, though I’m still hard pressed in believing that there aren’t those who function well, WITHOUT having to think and question EVERYTHING THEY DO.
I tend to see a lot of the same people each day at Yoga, which is nice. I get the sense that most go and do their practice, whether it be Mysore or a guided class, shower, get dressed and go on with their day…..beautiful and simple. I on the other hand struggle with just being able to get through the practice, mentally that is, for I can’t seem to not think, which ultimately short changes me from a full experience.
I have struggled a lot thru learning about Yoga, which if I were a Buddhist would make much sense, for the first Noble Truth speaks of suffering. Suffering for me, thankfully, has always granted much knowledge and dare I say at times wisdom. Having this need to understand and follow thru on whatever I’m experiencing, no matter how difficult, makes the ‘end’ ( a healthy state of mind, body and spirit) justify whatever the means is or was. My personal journey, by no means is easy, and at times has been even torturous, but in spite of it all…is well worth it, THIS, some part of me has always BELIEVED.
I felt I needed to write something for the last week n’a bit, for I don’t know where I’m at…., especially with my Yoga practice. I have no fear that Yoga has left me, nor I it, but something is definitely up. When I returned from a bit of a departure this summer and came back ‘home’ to my practice, I felt so happy and comfortable. I don’t know when, but at some point I started feeling empty. Good God, what NOW! I became so frustrated as to why I can’t seemingly be like ‘those other kind’ of people who just come, practice and go….period. Simplicity, this I desire more than anything else.
I had a really interesting visual today while in my shavasana, post practice. I ‘saw’ my state of mind ( more so than any of life’s current stressors ) in the shape of a ball, while surrounded by this message that said, in essence, “you’ve got it all here, you need not be sad nor doubtful of yourself any longer”. I don’t know why I can’t seem to live in this existence each and everyday? The good news is that I feel gratitude more often than not. The key though is ‘dissolving’ this bundle of angst, depression and fear into this wonderfulness that surrounds it.
Earlier this morning, I had a brief chat with my Yoga teacher. He said “you look good,”; almost immediately in disbelief I responded, “Really?”….He continued, “those with busy minds have a very difficult time meditating, which is why this kind of practice is so important to do”( I had questioned earlier whether I needed to meditate on top of doing my daily practice in order to help with my focus problems) “Just settle your mind on what you’re doing, whether it’s your downward dog, triangle pose, whatever, just think about that moment”. Ah ha! again it all comes back to being in the NOW.
It’s possible that I may have had these empty feeling after my practice, because all I’ve done is allowed my mind to be pre-occupied with all that makes up this ever heavy ball of angst I carry around with me everywhere, all day long.
From the moment I walk in to the studio, I must ask all the ‘crazy’ to wait for me…..’over there’ beside the plants, near the comfy couch. J. also made a good point in that for the hour or so I spend in Yoga, at this point, it will only benefit me ‘out there’ for so long. Because I am striving to live a Yoga life, not just do a Yoga practice, this immediately puts me on a longer ‘road less travelled’. As mentioned earlier, there are those who come and go and need nothing more, or those who have been doing this for so long, the grace and peace created from their practice, nutrition, chanting and meditation, carries them longer throughout their days than those of us who have just begun.
The difficulty with me is my expectations, man this is one word I’d like to turf. It’s heavy presence I have carried with me since…forever; it is a burden very much worth kicking to the curb. My story I am starting to understand, is difficult due to the enormity of all which needs unravelling from within me. My life has never been short on drama,though now I am starting to see the choke hold it has on me, and it’s attempt from me being ‘released’. Going through a very difficult time with my son, who is struggling in his own life, among all the other worries, definitely makes this time and my ‘work’ with myself that much tougher.
I think complacency may kill my drive, which I suppose is a God sent, for its possible my frustration trigger may have been alerting me to another road I have no desire to be on. For now, I do think I need to take a chill pill concerning the expectations on my beaten up mind and body, and take from what I have written here today and test my current muddy waters to see what comes of it.