After re-reading my last blog entry, I realized how stuck I’ve been in this place where I have ‘lived’. This dwelling found, where I had dug myself in, never wanting to fully commit to any other way of being or feeling, came from much past trauma(s) and their residual effects, though truly cemented when I became sick at age 32. It is a syndrome of sorts, where many of us have, and in some cases still do, ‘live’. How is it that anyone would want to live in some state which saddens them so? In 2~words..’knowning comfort’, ironically. We only know what we ‘know’, irrelevant sadly, whether it makes sense or not. Many a times we choose to accept this state of mind instead of figuring a way out. This is where I feel so terribly lucky, for at some point I have seemed to always know when it’s time to ‘get out’ and find a solution. This last ten years, having said this, saw my resolve buried deeply beneath the ‘pain mind-set’, one of the most challenging fights I have ever had to fight.
I can ‘see’ while reading my blogs and other forms of expression, who’s been in charge up until now; yup I’m talking about you ego, and your daily reminders of my past and “worrisome” future. Present? nope, ego can’t ‘touch this’, thank God. The ‘now’, the ‘present’ is ‘where its at’, THIS I have officially arrived at believing. I’ve read and have referred to it as the ego, for it is all I have ever understood it to be. It is irrelevant what the name is, only that I understand and acknowledge the division ( and a long one at that ), between ‘it’ and I. This may very well explain much of my depression throughout the years, for I’ve always ‘known’ I was a long way from home, a.k.a myself, but have never had a clue as to how to get there.
Something happened this week during my practice that has, to date, changed how I see and feel about my life and current struggles. I have been taught from Day One that the key to practicing Yoga ( asanas) is threefold; Breath~ ( equally in and out ), Focus~ the mind only on the moment at hand and finally to position the body correctly within whichever pose~alignment wise one is able. These three very distinct ‘practices’ I have struggled with, something fierce. In spite of this, thankfully I have never quit, which to be honest was surprising, though when I began to analyse why this was so, the answer jumped right out, front and center. I have, over the years played subconsciously the ‘role’ of a sick person. There has been many incarnations, but truth be told, I have used my conditions to keep me far far away, from….myself and life. Doing Yoga for the last 7 months, has subtly peeled away these ‘walls’ and excuses I have put up, for fear of ‘failing’ myself and my family…again.
Repeatedly I am told in Yoga, “Nancy this is a process”, as well as,” have faith and be patient”; “God help me”, I so remember thinking many times. Regardless, I have gone to practice, and MORE importantly gone BACK after having been away. Due to experiencing such great relief from the series of ’bouts’ ( pain sessions 3-4 days ) that I used to have, now down to one a week give or take, plus muscle strength and weight loss, has given me hope, hope and a realization that “I am more than what I have become” ( cheezy but true ). I’ve sensed that I have just scratched the surface of what was possible in Yoga and ultimately how my life has and will continue to move forward, for the better because of it….. AMAZING. It is the key, when used properly, that has and will open fully my Pandora’s box. Feeling my abilities, knowing my limits had not yet been reached, kept me down. Now? I see my potential by way of visualization and the strong belief that I can find my way to that which is my purpose and point in this life. Actually I have a few purposes, but as the Yogi’s say “all in due time”.
Funny as I think about it now, I can’t remember the day this week in which I had, what I like to refer to as ‘le moment’, though I remember how I felt walking out of the studio after my practice was done. I entered the studio early with my daughter as usual, though instead of ‘jumping right in’, I took a moment and asked myself some questions. “What are you doing now? Where are you?, I dutifully answered, “In Yoga, about to do my practice”; From that moment on, I focused only on what I was doing in each moment, pose after pose. I also felt able to focus on my breath and making the intake and outtakes longer. The actual poses, having now done them for 90 plus days was somewhat secondary. I was so focused that I didn’t realize HOW focused I was, until I walked out of the room. I felt energized with a tinge of peace and then ‘le moment’. Can’t really describe it other than to say I felt like ‘I got it’, I understood; I understood what can happen when the ‘trinity’ (focus, breath and position/alignment) are working ‘as one’.
Experiencing the ol’ “Ah ha” moment is wonderful, but sometimes due to habits, one goes back to the old ways of thinking and reacting. I have felt irritated at myself when this happens. “Practice, practice, practice”, I hear my teacher saying. He of course is not referring to the physical practice, but the mental one.
I went out with one of my favourite Yoga teachers and learned, after I expressed a feeling of ‘missing something’, a lack of ‘silence’, after my practice is done, and if there was something I could try to feel more complete. Starting this coming week, I will be sitting and meditating for a few minutes after my shavasana, which is technically the official reason for doing asanas, to prepare the mind, body and spirit for meditation. Not unlike what I have felt as a Mother and the natural instincts that come up, Yoga too has these kinds of ‘instincts’ which I have experienced with this need of silence, as well as in areas concerning food, it’s really interesting. The meditation’s purpose, as I understand it is to deepen the connection which is in essence ‘powering up’ my spirit with the belief that when I walk outside into my life, I will have the means in which to continue on with what I now want to do. Yoga has and will undoubtably be the ‘medicine’ required to aid me in my quest towards attaining fulfillment. I visualize, when negative thoughts, feelings or anxiety try to pull me away from my center, by letting them go as I continue to choose now the work of finding my way home.