I have recently learned a tidbit about fencing terminology and the definition of a duel versus a fight. “In a duel, fairness is key…in a fight there is no care for fairness”; during my daily adventure with Yoga I experience both the fight and the duel. The fight comes strictly from my ego, my past and definitely my bad habits. The duel comes from my Yoga practice. I began feeling agitated awhile back, which isn’t unusual…sadly, for I felt that I needed to come to terms with the fact that if I am going to fully ‘experience’ Yoga and evolve fully into this life which I believe is the right kind of life for me, I had to first come to terms with these habits of mine, the ones still lingering about from my days as an unconscious, unhealthy person. The ‘fight’ portion of this match which I am still playing, stems specifically from my ego and the anger it spews. Yoga has recently begun to shine its light on these habits, which need not be part of me anymore and my evolution towards the goal of optimal health.
There’s a mouthful.
My life force has been slowly and subtly awakened during these last 7~8 months. There are no words, just this lovely gentle nudge that occurs after my practice, when I am alone. I never feel judged by it, since it comes from ( in my opinion ) a place where judgment does not exist. The more my Yoga practice develops and grows, the stronger this ‘sense’ or ‘guide’ if you will, strengthens. Nothing pisses off the ego more than being challenged. Actually, the ultimate ‘pisser~off~er’ of the ego would be to challenge it with peace; this which has no desire to fight, duel possibly, but not fight.
This strong healthy self that I have felt within me, which was apparent even during my years of mass depression and chronic pain ( so bad at times, that my tear ducts began to run dry) is starting to emerge. I can now feel my strength….trippy to say the least, for it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how cool it is to experience this. Like my bad habits with food ( or lack thereof) with wine (frequency) and sleep aids ( in my case Gravol ) pretty much are no longer required, though my ego jumps up and down in defiance each time I ponder giving up/adjusting these unhealthy ways.
I feel anxious about stopping, I really do.
This sense of calm, again quietly tells me, “its o.k, I don’t need to put into my body things that don’t actually help me”, for isn’t this why I started this journey in the first place, to help myself? If I was to remove the politeness here and spoke for this ‘kind sense’ which I refer to it as, it would sound a little something like this….”Stop holding on to these fucking crutches for you are no longer broken, you are healing and able to count on yourself, for real!”
The rocks crumble beneath my feet and free fall down to the deep canyon below; I feel as I had typed these words earlier, a different kind of ‘sense’. I feel like I am on the edge of this cliff, my stomach in knots, my ego screaming, “TURN AROUND AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, THAT-A-WAY!”.
Ahh fudge ( my new word for fuck….see I’m trying)
If there is one thing I have learned since doing Yoga, it is this: patience and the phrase ‘all in due time’ definitely springs forth the answers and the readiness to move on to the next level, so with this I remind myself and trust it is so. I live each day, being a mother to my children and multiple animals, a wife and friend at night, when I speak with my far far away spouse, and try oh so hard to apply all that I am learning, so it is worth it not just to myself but to those who count on me. A ‘biggie’ for me has been the fact that I never ever feel guilty about doing what I am doing for myself, which is the saddest of sad commentaries concerning any parent out there trying their best, while still feeling bad about entertaining such an idear. While I do practice what I write concerning the patience part, I also believe in being pro-active. Food is a biggie for me and something I very much want to learn, for the first time about, all the while doing so with my ever-so-fantastic Yoga practicing daughter. Can you, any adult reading this, imagine if you began practicing Yoga and learning about food in a way which views as medicinal, all at the ripe ol’ age of 11? I will speak for myself only here and say this, I would not be me as I am now but the me I’m working towards becoming, that’s for dang sure.
Blessed am I to have a very knowledgable neighbor who I not only love dearly but who also is an experienced chef and educator on Ayurvedic food and cooking. The challenge here is to create a ‘menu’ which will incorporate foods that adhere to my daughter and my dosha’s as well as being practical, both financially and …. well basically food and recipes that I can cook! Meditation, specifically breathing techniques Pranayama are what I feel will round out this ‘optimal health plan’ of mine.
I accept the dueling and fighting that exists at this very moment and most days with me, and will continue to lug it along until such time as it is tired and I am no longer afraid of living without it.