Maaan, it feels like I’ve been grabbed by the scruff of my neck, dragged then dropped into some form of purgatory~land, the place where my consciousness no longer wants me to live… on a permanent basis that is. Consciousness is a peaceful state, but can have a short~fuse, especially for those like me who tend to take ‘the long way home’. This magical path of Ashtanga Yoga continues to strengthen my spirit even when I’m ‘off’; A twinkling sensation exists, never allowing me to stray for too long; May sound like tres fromage, but I cannot tell a lie, this shit is dope.
I was able to return to my practice, adapting certain poses as it pertained to my shoulder ‘situation’. Over time I have been able to do the practice as I had done before, though I still adjust and adapt if I feel the need. I’ve spoken to enough experienced Ashtanga students to know that our bodies need to be listened to and its ok, everybody runs into the wall here and there. The key… just don’t stop your practice, don’t give up, adapt and move on. Due to being über sensitive to my body and the pain I’ve had to deal with over the years, when any new ‘blips’ occur along the way, I initially zip back to paranoid land. This is the place where the fear~based questions begin to form and my stress engines start revving. I am ‘it’, concerning the care of my children, house, pets etc.. My husband always says the reason he never gets sick is because he can’t, it also helps that he works alone in a truck for weeks on end, never privy to the lovely germs children tend to bring home. Funny, I have the same philosophy yet I ALWAYS seem to experience the opposite. I have the pleasure of figuring out how to make it all work, regardless…..
I’ve written before about those who go to Yoga and then those who GO TO YOGA, or better yet allow YOGA TO GO TO THEM. You see if one is a willing and knowing participant, a level of ‘control’ is usually present. With this scenario, it is a guaranteed fact that the ego will be present. In my experience, as I have written at nauseum, when the ego is involved the journey seemingly becomes that much more treacherous. Doing my Ashtanga practice each morning, in spite of injury, sickness, drama at home etc.. amazingly remains a constant. The practice is different everyday, because I’m different everyday. This is a major lesson I continue to learn. I am a being who continues to move forward and My practice shows me each and everyday just this, that I am evolving. My goal from the beginning has always been to continue onwards, never to be stagnate, to find the art within the maintenance of my practice.
Acceptance is also crucial. The magic of this practice can be easily and readily missed, if one does not allow themselves to be accepted. I mean this in terms of self acceptance, outward acceptance is of no interest to me, for this practice I began six months ago began with the sole purpose of confronting myself and seeing what was left of the Me, who had been chewed up and spit out from a decade of chronic pain and depression. Thankfully there were some ‘workable bits’ left and with a strong commitment and forthright attitude I jumped in and have never looked back. Yes I have done much whining, felt all the boo hoo’s but beneath it my~self was growing upwards and onwards, thanks to this obscenely difficult, yet hauntingly intriguing act of breath and movement.
Truth be told I hope I never arrive‘, for the growth will always be found in the practice.