During these last few months I have learned that it is much more difficult to begin anew with something that has already been tried. Make sense? Just as I was stretching along doing my daily practice, learning about Ayurveda, organics etc…I fell out of sight. To be honest I really can’t think of some specific episode that occurred which threw me back and away from the place where I had found health and peace.? Having said that, back in May my son (17yrs) decided to accept an offer to play football in another province, which meant he would be leaving, moving out of our home and away from me. I do remember receiving his text saying “I’ve committed” ( meaning he made an official decision as to where he would be going). A violent rush swept threw me in an instant, causing the need to get up and go to the ladies room ( of course I had to be in a restaurant). I was focused and determined to make it to whichever stall caught my eye first. Once i found one, not ‘in service’ and clean, I closed and latched it the door, sat down and began to weep…uncontrollably. I won’t get into specifics, but let’s just say my experience raising my son, specifically during the last 5 years, has not being an easy one. I was relieved, scared, proud and from that moment on, out of my body. In spite of this momentous day, I continued with my daily practice, just as I had for the last year and a bit; So really this big shift that was about to take place in my life, wasn’t the root of my soon to be yoga-woes, at least I don’t think it was?
As the weeks of his departure began edging nearer, I began feeling tired, REALLY tired. I weirdly strained my hands gardening.. I know. I was embarrassed explaining to my far and constantly away husband, about this strange pain I woke up feeling in both my hands, an ache so achy I began feeling nervous. Suffice to say I felt I couldn’t manage doing my practice that day, so I didn’t. One goofy yet real pain led to another. I started to panic, “I CANNOT GO BACK, I CANNOT”, meaning to the days of carrying too much weight, sadness and pain. Fear started to brew, bubbling thickly in my gut. The next day was a led Ashtanga class, so I jumped at the chance and went for it, fully determined to nip this ‘yoga pause’ in the bud. By this point, I had not done my regular practice in a week, a life time for me at this point.
I arrived to the familiar comforting smells of the studio, down to the Hot ( or in this case warm ) room and found my place on the mat. From the moment the class began, I felt weak, dizzy and out of sorts. I pressed on, determined to finish, though knowing all along it was pointless. I was not present, I was afraid and doomed…
I can’t honestly tell you exactly how long i went without doing any form of Yoga after this episode, probably two and half months? Reason being was because I slithered down onto the couch, where I remained, other than during the times that loved ones were around me. My family suffered a lot during my pre-yoga years, having to deal with the effects of my never-ending pain, injections and much grumpiness. Just like that everything I had taken on, food, proper sleep etc.., all of which massively helped to Yoga Me healthier than I had been in years, slipped away. I began feeling the weight sneak back on, my beloved wine becoming to frequent a guest and worst of all…the beginings of disdain for this person I was morphing back into. How in Buddha’s name can this be happening? I thought to myself more than once. Didn’t matter, it was happening and regardless of what I did, I couldn’t get out from beneath it. I no longer slept, which in turn made it impossible to do my practice in the morning or at all, for my body ‘shuts down’ if it becomes too fatigued. By the time afternoon came and went, I was so sluggish or too wired from drinking coffee, so as to function as a mother, that doing any form of self-care seemed completely unrealistic.
My body began craving those items I had learned to live with in balance, in a way that was aggressive, bully like. Indulgence, never a good sign when one has falling WAY off track. I literally found myself unable to figure my way out, which for me is rare, since its kinda what I do..inately, so with this kernel of truth…I let go. I let go of the pressure to do what I was doing before, of what I would do or not do in the future, simply said I surrendered.
I managed to get my son off to B.C with all that he needed, leaving us broker than broke, but satisfied that in this gesture of massive love and support for him, maybe now, possibly I may just be able to help myself again. The weeks since he has been gone, didn’t produce any spontaneous jumpstart to my self-care routine, but it did produce peace in my home and loads of quiet for the first time in a longtime. I stopped looking in the mirror and judging what supposedly had “happened to me”, what I had done to this body that has given me so much during this last year.
I rekindled my interest and love for Deepak and Ayurveda and slowly, through watching a few documentaries and dabbling here and there with some guided meditation a la YouTube, began slowly finding my way forward. Due to finances I have not been able to resume my Yoga membership, though I was gifted a pass for the month, which I took advantage of yesterday, by attending a Hot Yin class. Yin is where it all started for me, as well as with my first Yoga teacher Monica. I had asked her out for coffee to discuss the anger and resentment I had experienced after not doing my practice regularly. “WTF, I said, how could this practice I devoted myself to practically daily for over a year turn on me, *snap* just like that”? We spoke more on this and at length and I began to realize, with M’s help, that the life of Yoga on all levels has its peaks and valleys. I opened up this blog and began to re-read some of my past posts. THEN, I started getting a tad excited at the prospect of beginning anew, yet this time with a good bit of experience ( for a novice yogi anyways ). I made a commitment to try and so I have.
Yesterday I did my pre-morning prep for Day I of some pretty cool Ayurvedic a.m rituals. It is now mid afternoon, I’ve been up since 5am, basic Yoga asanas, breathing and meditation with my 12yr. old daughter, PLUS I just am about to finish my first Yoga Me Healthy Blog in quite a while. Taking this day for what it has become…that’s it.