And it goes a little something like this… January 4, 2013

Gotta love themes, more important or impressive is in the actual witnessing of them. Stop and starts are one of the many themes in my life, especially now as I have become side~tracked  by acute…… yada yadas. This last month there has been a smorgesbord of ass~ whippins given to me, I’ve got the marks to prove it. Current ailment activity…dislodged disc, very sore right shoulder..getting checked out tomorrah. Yoga has been on my mind but sadly not with my body.

 As soon as I’m down my mind begins to quiver, though the beauty, one of many, is that the Yoga I have practiced thus far, seems ready to jump in as a default. Default to what?

Well, it goes it little something like this:

My norm during downtimes has been similar to this equation =sum ( pain + immobility= dd) a.k.a deep depression. Appreciate that the times I have sunk back down below, this subtle default has been present, like a big breath gently pushing me back up to the surface. Having these down times, both literally and figuratively, illustrates to me two things; One: I am still not free from all that ails me ( physically & emotionally ) and Two: the work that I do in my practice is vitally important to continue on with, for it is where my~self and freedom lies. I also feel blessed with no longer having the fear that I will quit what it is that I have started. My ego is still in the race,  fucker, but even when I’m down, I now know I’m not beat. There are very few guarantees in life, though I feel confident in saying aloud that the ‘Refresh’ button has been hit and with it some new functions which are now, thankfully part of my recovery plan.

During these last few weeks I’ve been given a glimpse of where I’m at and most importantly where I no longer fear to tread. My faith and belief in this widely desirable sense of power and grace, truly spurs me on to see what will be in store for me next. I accept these times now, where my body says No! for how can I NOT respect this amazing specimen of mine, which has worked so hard to get me from a life in bed to a life of  mobility?

Going to try to go for a short walk now, with the hopes of making it to Yin tonight. 

(didn’t finish….)

Pain in my right shoulder became unbearable, went to doctor today and found out it is tendonitis, was told to stop doing Yoga….

TBC

Namaste

“The time is out of joint. O cursed spite that ever I was born to set it right!” December 14, 2012

Can’t write much, just needed to try to do a bit.  I’ve been lowering my injection dosage for my R.A the last four months, with success or so I thought. The last 4 days tremendous pain. Tried to do a few poses yesterday unsuccessfully. Sat in the Yin room in the heat and tried to meditate/relax. Ended up in the backseat of my car multiple times. Not going to fight it. Hopefully it ends soon. Starting to re-think the reality of riding myself of this dastardly disease. Husband came home from the road, so today I can rest, kids taken care of…

Namaste

Duelity..En Garde! November 28, 2012

I have recently learned a tidbit about fencing terminology and the definition of a duel versus a fight. “In a duel, fairness is key…in a fight there is no care for fairness”; during my daily adventure with Yoga I experience both the fight and the duel. The fight comes strictly from my ego, my past and definitely my bad habits. The duel comes from my Yoga practice. I began feeling agitated awhile back, which isn’t unusual…sadly, for I felt that I needed to come to terms with the fact that if I am going to fully ‘experience’ Yoga and evolve fully into this life which I believe is the right kind of life for me, I had to first come to terms with these habits of mine, the ones still lingering about from my days as an unconscious, unhealthy person. The ‘fight’ portion of this match which I am still playing, stems specifically from my ego and the anger it spews.  Yoga has recently begun to shine its light on these habits, which need not be part of me anymore and my evolution towards the goal of optimal health.

There’s a mouthful.

My life force has been slowly and subtly awakened during these last 7~8 months. There are no words, just this lovely gentle nudge that occurs after my practice, when I am alone. I never feel judged by it, since it comes from ( in my opinion ) a place where judgment does not exist. The more my Yoga practice develops and grows, the stronger this ‘sense’ or ‘guide’ if you will, strengthens. Nothing pisses off the ego more than being challenged. Actually, the ultimate ‘pisser~off~er’ of the ego would be to challenge it with peace; this which has no desire to fight, duel possibly, but not fight.

Nutshell?

This strong healthy self that I have felt within me, which was apparent even during my years of mass depression and chronic pain ( so bad at times, that my tear ducts began to run dry) is starting to emerge. I can now feel my strength….trippy to say the least, for it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how cool it is to experience this. Like my bad habits with food ( or lack thereof) with wine (frequency) and sleep aids ( in my case Gravol ) pretty much are no longer required, though my ego jumps up and down in defiance each time I ponder giving up/adjusting these unhealthy ways.

I feel anxious about stopping, I really do.

This sense of calm, again quietly tells me, “its o.k, I don’t need to put into my body things that don’t actually help me”, for isn’t this why I started this journey in the first place, to help myself? If I was to remove the politeness here and spoke for this ‘kind sense’ which I refer to it as, it would sound a little something like this….”Stop holding on to these fucking crutches for you are no longer broken, you are healing and able to count on yourself, for real!”

The rocks crumble beneath my feet and free fall down to the deep canyon below; I feel as I had typed these words earlier, a different kind of ‘sense’. I feel like I am on the edge of this cliff, my stomach in knots, my ego screaming, “TURN AROUND AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, THAT-A-WAY!”. 

Ahh fudge ( my new word for fuck….see I’m trying)

If there is one thing I have learned since doing Yoga, it is this: patience and the phrase ‘all in due time’ definitely springs forth the answers and the readiness to move on to the next level, so with this I remind myself and trust it is so. I live each day, being a mother to my children and multiple animals, a wife and friend at night, when I speak with my far far away spouse, and try oh so hard to apply all that I am learning, so it is worth it not just to myself but to those who count on me. A ‘biggie’ for me has been the fact that I never ever feel guilty about doing what I am doing for myself, which is the saddest of sad commentaries concerning any parent out there trying their best, while still feeling bad about entertaining such an idear. While I do practice what I write concerning the patience part, I also believe in being pro-active. Food is a biggie for me and something I very much want to learn, for the first time about, all the while doing so with my ever-so-fantastic Yoga practicing daughter. Can you, any adult reading this, imagine if you began practicing Yoga and learning about food in a way which views as medicinal, all at the ripe ol’ age of 11? I will speak for myself only here and say this, I would not be me as I am now but the me I’m working towards becoming, that’s for dang sure. 

Blessed am I to have a very knowledgable neighbor who I not only love dearly but who also is an experienced chef and educator on Ayurvedic food and cooking. The challenge here is to create a ‘menu’ which will incorporate foods that adhere to my daughter and my dosha’s as well as being practical, both financially and …. well basically food and recipes that I can cook! Meditation, specifically breathing techniques Pranayama are what I feel will round out this ‘optimal health plan’ of mine.

I accept the dueling and fighting that exists at this very moment and most days with me, and will continue to lug it along until such time as it is tired and I am no longer afraid of living without it.

Namaste

Icebergs etc.. November 7, 2012

Learning the Ashtanga Primary Series, step by step is tough. I’m sure it’s tough for anybody starting, but what has always been intriguing to me are all the hidden challenges that arise. I honestly don’t know how other’s journeys have been and if they have encountered similar struggles? Like any new experience, there tends to be a level of loneliness and in my case this is very true. One of the reasons I believe this practice was suggested to me, was in part because of my expressive desire to evolve into areas concerning my self-identity. Yes, I began daily Yoga to help heal my body from years of  taking harmful pain meds, as well as to get stronger, with the hopes of ‘evicting’ these diseases out of my body once and for all, but like so many times what I thought I was seeking soon began to look like just the tip of the iceberg; In my case as time progresses, this is really turning out to be one “Mutha’ of an iceberg.

This Mysore practice enticed me based upon what I believe to be a crucial ingredient in one’s life, and that is discipline. I feel so strongly that the greater one’s discipline is, the less struggles one has with many of life’s battles; Food, alcohol,money, relationships, parenting, exercise, drugs (prescribed & other), the list goes on and on. I’ve taken a moment and daydreamed on what my life would ‘look and feel’ like if I were a sound disciplined person.  In a word, peaceful  with a spunky tinge of  happiness thrown in for good measure. I am tough on myself, no doubt about this, and at times too tough which I know is pointless. You see I was made ( I can say ‘made,’ for it began when I was a child, when I didn’t know I had a choice on whether I could allow them to ‘make me feel bad’ or not), to turn my head down and feel I was not ‘enough’. Imprinting is a bitch lemme tell ya, something that is so terribly hard in my experience thus far to shake or dismantle, which is what I am trying to do here. I have tried to teach my children about  the dangers of “emotional lasagna”, that what we layer our inerds with over time,  if done with much negativity, will render them a messy life. I am in essence trying to go through myself layer by layer and confront the myths and TRUTHS about who I am. All of THIS is occurring as I venture forward in my practice. Man oh man who would’ve thunk it? Not me, that’s for sure.

I am attracted to the idea and challenge of building on a discipline that is physically difficult, but one that provides beyond what I have ever experienced from anything else. This is a much more inexpensive way to receive therapy. Ultimately don’t we want to heal ourselves, for who knows us better? I no longer feel saddened when I hear the phrase ” We are born alone, live alone and die alone”. When I feel I have uncovered something new and promising about myself during these times, I feel nothing close to loneliness; It is only when I am feeling despondent and ‘away’ from myself, usually after struggling to get through a practice, that I walk back out into the cold with feelings of defeat. Thing with me tho, I always seem to rise back up again, thank goodness.

How, one may question, does all this emotional luggage find its way into the  practice of Yoga? When I am having challenging days, which honestly is presently most of the time, I try without trying too hard ( the key  ), to focus on faith…. in myself, BUT while doing so emotions tend to arise, which challenges this lovely and calm notion. Within this muck, the past sneaks in and feelings of unworthiness and guilt, just to name a few begin to debate this truth,  that I am  (we all are btw) worthy of peace and of living a life free of pain and illness. I suppose these little ‘fuckers’ ( appreciating I could find a more appropriate word, but honestly this one seems to fit the bill), don’t want to be challenged, but by doing so anyways, they begin to rise up. I feel this intensity when I am doing my morning practice,taunted sometimes, while the litres of perspiration pours down my face, and  ‘how tiring and tough it is, how I don’t really have to do this, do I? 

“Let it go, let it go, keep saying  this until it is no longer an angry demand but a calm one”, THIS, my ‘sister self’ advises. So you can see  for me, confrontation with “all that has always being”, versus that which is really “my truth” creates one intense Yoga practice. By challenging these old aspects of myself that became the ‘norm’ a long time ago and letting them go, leaves me spent some days…..like today.

Keeping it light, “happy happy” as my Yoga teacher says, which tends to irritates me, especially when I am being ruled by that which is more prominent ( and past ‘worthy’) on certain days; regardless, I try to keep the original intent of calm, as my main goal.  As far as progression is concerned I know I have done so, for I am AWARE as to why I am feeling irritated. As long as I am needing to officially ‘put to bed’ all these ‘backdoor beasts’, then I know there is still much work to do. I have quite a large set of matching  luggage yet to open. It is what it is. What matters more than anything else,  is the acknowledgement that ‘they’ exist and the belief that I can, one by one, open them up and get rid of what no longer ‘fits’.

 I use certain words a lot, like ‘foundation’ because I have this repeated visual of digging deep and shoveling up and out a tremendous amount of bullshit and untruths, and replacing them all with, I don’t know, something better, less foreign. My parents, Bless them btw, for I sooooo understand now the level of difficulty in parenting 2 children, let alone 6!,  literally ‘transferred’ their fears and faults onto me and my other siblings, during times when our naiveté and trust were at their highest. I can honestly say 85% of the decisions I have made in my life were done from this ‘inner local of unworthiness’. I’m not talking about good decisions btw, only the ones that have hurt myself and those who I love.

Having said this, I do truly focus more upon the fact that I am doing something about it, then feeling bad about what was, even if this concerns the way I handled the fight this a.m with my son and daughter. It really hit me today as I was trying to remember new poses,  that there is going to be much ‘shoveling going down’ for many days, weeks, possibly years. If I had my druthers, I’d prefer this existence than that of avoidance and the risk of living a life of  regret, knowing I could have tried and chose not to~

Namaste

Where ‘Its’ At November 4, 2012

This day began in a magical way, not shocking that my Yoga practice this early morn was the culprit. Quite aways back,  I was experimenting with a variety of classes at Yoga Public, where I do my daily practice. TRX is not Yoga, but a type of workout done by doing exercises using one’s own body weight.  By holding onto ‘handles’ attached to straps, which continue upwards to the ceiling, where they are…attached, provides a major cardio workout.  I had pretty much a horrid experience doing this, in part at the time because unlike the other studios, this one has mirrors…..and a countdown clock, both of which provide, in my opinion much distraction. The level of strength and stamina involved in actually ‘enjoying’ this class was something I fully had no business in thinking I had, at least this particular kind of strength and stamina ( yup there’d be a difference).  

Whenever it comes up these days I promote Yoga. No, I’m not that obnoxious person that goes on and on, shoving’ it down people’s throats….unless they ask. So my good friend’s 13 yr. old daughter, who plays hockey, asked if I could take her to some Yoga classes, “Ah Yaa….., of course!” We went to Hot Yin last Sunday which she enjoyed, as did I in spite of the class being packed, and my long limbs actually bonking someone on the chin! Yes, this actually happened, thankfully Yoga people are the forgiving types:) This past week my teen friend texted to say she had one evening off and if we could go to a class.  Well guess which was the only one available? Yup, TRX.

O.k, alright I thought, I can do this, no problemo. It’s been months since my ‘last dance’ with TRX, Lord knows I’m stronger, wiser, heck I think I could even lead the damn class! No, not really, but you see where I was going here. I felt enthused, ready to see ‘how far I’ve come’.  Having already done my practice this morning, plus cleaning  a client’s house  ( for child’s private school $) and then a school ( more private school $), off I went with my daughter and teen friend in tow to TRX. In order to get to class on time, I needed to speed clean the school, which ended with  me in a full-out sweat, plus making the quickest pasta dinner in history, all the while eating it in the car ( done 1.25 hrs. prior to our workout:)  Do as I say not as I do, I instructed the young lassies in the back seat.   We were a tad late,  so when we walked into the studio everyone looked at us like they’d be waiting, oops~sorry.  Arlen our instructor who’s beyond lovely btw, pointed me towards ‘my spot’….AT THE VERY FRONT…WHERE THE MIRRORS AND COUNTDOWN CLOCK ARE!  I took one quick look at him, then myself in the mirror and thought…”oh shit”. Right then, right there,  I sensed TRX was a bad idea; too late, the music started and the class began. 

I’ll save you the full version and skip to the highlights, bullet style.

• 5 minutes in, I looked at my teen friend telling her THIS here, what I’m doing  beside you, ya this should be noted as an act of genuine love, for I would do this for very few! 
• 15 minutes in,  we are instructed to lower down to the ground on one foot then  pull ourselves up and hop upright as high as possible 10x……I throw Arlen a are you fucking crazy look? He laughs!
• 25 minutes in, first break. I ‘walk’ to my water bottle while catching my daughter’s encouraging smile ( while she watched from the smart side of the sliding glass door ) I mouthed an obscenity, similar to “Holy Cow”. 
• 36 minutes in, hands throbbing ( did I mention I also have severe eczema on my hands at times? this day, was one of those times). I literally saw the cracks starting to bleed and showed them to Arlen. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I stared at my beyond red face and instructed myself, ‘Rocky style’, to “get back out there”.
• 45 minutes….done and done…OMG!

I knew at probably the ten minute mark that this was not a good idea, but honestly not for the reasons I thought at the time. When I had left the TRX studio, I did feel a sense of failure and questioned, “Wow, have I actually been fooling myself into thinking I was in better shape?” I’ve since learned the phrase ‘in shape’ means different things to different people. Off I went, back home and not long after straight into bed.  My teen friend LOVED it btw and now wants to bring her entire hockey team for their ‘dry land workout’. “Bless you my child, go for it!”. TRX is a really good workout for certain people for sure, I just now know, some 26 hours later,  it’s OFFICIALLY not for me.

Today I awoke in some kind of pain, good God. Most know the pain in which I speak of, the kind where it hurts to walk up, down, side-ways any which way on stairs; heck even pressing down on the gas pedal hurt. Regardless, off we went at 7am, my daughter and I to do our practice. Walking into the building we were greeted by two of our Yoga teachers. “I made a bad decision last night”, I stated and went on to describe what I did and how I was  hurting something fierce. My Ashtanga teacher, shook his head and stated firmly how this was NOT good, for my body and for what I am trying to accomplish,  eg. healing myself from R. A etc…I acknowledged and dutifully carried on to the change room, knowing I was shortly about to pay the price, another one anyways, for my ‘mis-step’ the night earlier…..or so I thought.  It was ridiculous, it really was as I began.  I kept getting flashes of the Tin Man after having just been ‘oiled up’, though the main difference here….he felt mobile after a bit, I on the other hand  seriously questioned, for real, if I could actually stand upright for very long.  To sweeten the pot, the day earlier I was given new poses, now bringing more time and intensity ( lovely intensity I might add ) to my practice. Just to give you a good visual example here, I am to stand on one leg,  while the other one is up and parallel to the floor, all the while holding on to my big toe (  the parallel leg) and breathing for 5 Yoga breaths, which for those who don’t know the difference, is pretty much 2 seconds longer to the average 1. This among others, left me very unfocused. Unfocused=bad practice. I walked out to blow my nose and spoke to the teacher’s assistant Lori, who is a great. She said, “you know what, don’t worry just breathe and do your best, if you need to leave that’s o.k. Also, don’t go fully into the poses, just ease in”. 

Back I went and literally within a few moments ‘found’ my legs,  ceasing any pain or discomfort from my thoughts. I went through the practice, finished and while laying down to take my shivasana, I thought, “holy shit I actually just ‘surpassed’ this very uncomfortable pain purely by focusing elsewhere”. What I honestly find mind-blowing is the subtly of these ‘shifts’ when they occur. I am, if anyone who reads this blog doesn’t already know,  not exactly a chilled out, zen kind-of-gal. Actually I think that if all the single parenting, sickness and money problems were taken away, I’d probably be a pretty chilled out cat…

Clarity came to me after my practice concerning where I really am, in reference to my present physical state. I feel it actually was good to have done TRX, because it helped me realize that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone at any point, especially to myself about where I’m at; I needn’t be more than what I currently am, period. Again, right here, right now, THIS is all that matters.  Removing this pressure, much of which stems from a long history of trying to please and step up to parental expectations, created much-needed space in the place where current daily ‘housekeeping’ occurs.  Why would I go and do, in this case a physical act, that caused me such uncomfortableness? My Ashtanga practice has given me so much, never leaving me with anything but positivity and new lessons learned. I’ve taken this and applied it to my logical side. I’ve also thought about the other choices I have made in my life, that have provided me only with pain or sadness. Why, do we choose to enter into anything that may not be good for us? Many a time we know better, yet go ahead to show ourselves or someone else what we’re made of; in these cases, I’ll speak for myself here, it shows only a lack of remembering who I actually am.  Sometimes we need a reminder; this experience was just that for me, which I am thankful for.

When I finished this ‘magical’ practice, I gave deep kudos to this remarkable body of mine. Considering what it has endured and continues to endure with this disease, only to come through when I need it to, reminds me it is so much more important to know what it is I can do, versus what I cannot.

THIS is where it’s at.

Namaste 

A Different Kind Of ‘Yoga’ October 30, 2012

I laid in bed today….all day. Unable to sleep last night, no matter how hard I tried, plus the Moon refused to dim its light, so what am I gonna do?  Throughout my Yoga experience I’ve come to appreciate and understand many things, many of which I have graciously been taught by kind giving people. It was said that Yoga is a way of being and living, and part of this, my take anyways, is to be brave and do what is instinctual, no matter what. Most of us are scared of trying something we’ve always wanted to do, which is hard enough in itself; living up to society’s or peers expectations, well THAT I thankfully now KNOW is malarkey. I have been told I’m not a writer, not a clothing designer, script writer, hell I even heard recently that pictures of me posted on this blog aren’t me? Crazy. When I think about what percentage I have spent, energy wise, on trying to be or not to be, forsaking myself  and personal happiness, well it’s a tad scary. I do what I do because it brings me joy and for no other reason. Some business projects I’m starting to work on, for the first time in 8 years, I am doing ,for the pure fun of it. Passion trumps all YO, the naysayers, the ‘threatened ones,

Bless you always, but Fuck Off.

 Below is a rambling I’ve been tinkering with, could turn into ‘nothing more’ than a story for my children and grandchildren, but that would be for the future to determine, when it happens! Not now, nope, right now I am writing what is happening to my HERE and my NOW, what I’m slowly learning, is the place to really Be. 

Namaste

“Expect This”

 

Story Opens with a 40 yr old mother/wife/chronic pain recipient returning home after a long day…..

Synopsis I
Flashback sequences (childhood, pre-mother years) create a ’cause and effect’ feel to her daily family situations. Her self-awareness and wounded warrior self causes a painful dynamic to exist. She lives with her ‘ghost self’, all the emotional deaths experienced;this ‘self’ is an ominous part of her that she battles to understand. She fights to shed this ‘skin’ from her difficult past by deconstructing it thru her blogging.
Her Mother’s mind always trying to do right by her children, which tends to brings her to her knees… frequently. Do unto them which was Not done unto her, all the while trying to choke up the courage to bring creativity in some form, back into her life. This, she clings to like a life-line of sorts, never wanting to let go for fear that she will lose herself, and who she is and possible meant to be. The gentle voice from her inner self guides her like a friend, always patient, never judgmental though always ‘there’ tugging at her not to forget…herself. Many (her family) get caught in the crossfire of this epic battle.

She has identified the flashbacks as her story, the foundation , but how does she stay true to herself while trying to do the same for her kids (*note:mind modes). Stay true stay true.

Loving her mate her best friend, she tries to guide him to a state of consciousness ( his own) showing him how to learn from pain and to see his ‘shine’; noble in theory, messy in reality.
Complicating things are her health problems ( fears, imprinting from adolescence), trying to keep her marriage together and the naysayers at bay ( people on different planets).

The realization of Herself and the bravery required. Kicking the shite, on a daily basis out of her ego (devil within) and its many facets of fear, doubt and recklessness. “Get Up Stand Up!” that’s the first goal every morning. Falling down happens repeatedly.

Themes:
Reconciling childhood with all the gaps rare memories: Ice rink, needing her mother’s attention and love isolation -starkness – red velvet skating dress.

Youth and Adolescence:

flashes of alcoholism and her ‘security blanket made of mink . The smell of gin and olives, a near car fatality, hiding in closets-performing for the elite, pushing away advances until…they win- dirty old men. New city, peer crushing, adolescence on the outskirts. JewCREW gets his way….shame, notoriety unwanted, house of silence. SLUT…what does that mean Mommy?
Not ruptured appendix…quite the opposite.
SWITCH UP…never the same
Running away from her impending death. Still zooming, same clothes on since last nite’s bar escapades, something awakens her in the early morn/ taxi ride home… Just reaching the second step she looks up to hear “Mom’s gone”….no more beautiful tree-lined neighborhood for her.

Homelessness, DQ coins, 3 blocks from old Prep School, watching school girls wearing her uniform.. flashback,
GNT’s & speed, deep well of loneliness now dug. Having sex in all the wrong places: underground red light bars, the dentist chair, the artist, the taxi man, nature boy, lake friends, just plain good-looking… resulting with the feeling that be couldn’t denied, the naysayers, “MY CHOICE, MY PRO-CHOICE” she yells celebrating with red licorice and her perfect beautiful baby boy..”My Savior My Bk”
Welfare Princess years, then

Time to Shine.

My Mate & I: the anticipation of sunshine, tunnel vision to his heart, the hug, the longing, the grassy knoll, into each other…yummy yummy all the time.
The news, her death/milk comes in,alone, sliding down the wall  onto the kitchen floor….over come by anguish & guilt
 love realized, more loss, taking a stand NO MORE SADNESS!
Commitment forever
2nd go – fear and acid reflux, the “do-over”/gift for him/ “I am ONLY a vessel , I repeat, I am ONLY a vessel, Can’t get close to ‘it’ again, can’t bear it..”
Not just a vessel..learning to love and to forgive herself, allowing to be loved by her perfect new baby girl
Such tremendous gifts from her dead daughter.
Illness avec newly vacationed depths of despair, the well runs deeper.

Really life she questions, really? For fuck sakes..

Shine no more, darkness sets in, isolation with bedtime stories,
“In this corner….where are you my man, I can’t see you anymore”
In search of….normalcy – a decade’s + journey, how many jobs are enough? Spinning circle going nowhere fast, better grow up, better grow up
Easy way out and the trust of another, capsizing, loosing it all –
Cutting family ties, blood DEFINITELY DOES NOT run deeper..
Faith swooping in to save the day along with some righteous babes
“My 4am friends”, renewal with a clear-eyed vision.
Thank you Julia C. and the creative art found in nourishing all my loves,
Another act of love found.
“Love is all that matters”
“No we can’t afford it, sorry maybe next year, unexposed talents of the young unrealized, well deepens again
ENOUGH! I can do this, WE can do this!
Money versus Consciousness.
Distances & his work closer hearts, plate shifting
Stand Up! Find Yourself! Look at them they Need You!
“Negotiating my girl’s future with a millionaire and his German toilets”.
“Piecing back together my boy’s shattered spiri”t, his response with a wash of sarcasm “Nice job mommy”.
No escaping, choking on it. “True artistry is not a choice”  Ya? try telling that to my banker.

 

Ultimately her impending death causes ‘Top Tens’ to be created about everything they need to know. It is her gift to them (her children) A Coles Notes version, a place for quick reference (scene with children now grown up shattered from some kind of personal experience, looking for the divorce paper she comes across her copy opens and reads).
They (son and daughter talk on the phone, sister reminding the brother of “Mom”s Top Ten what to expect..) both repeat their Mom’s mantra her repeated saying
“When life takes a harsh turn, which it will.. Expect This” Opening Scene?

It’s ultimately about a parent wanting her children to be prepared for life.
The Story of her life and getting banged around, being blind to what was to come.
Emotional lasagna, what to  and not to  layer their internal selves with
Recycling the Reincarnation of experiences: What to do with what has happened to them
Compost it and see what grows

 

 

 

Homecoming Part I October 28, 2012

After re-reading my last blog entry, I realized how stuck I’ve been in this place where I have ‘lived’. This dwelling found, where I had dug myself in, never wanting to fully commit to any other way of being or feeling, came from much past trauma(s) and their residual effects, though truly cemented when I became sick at age 32. It is a syndrome of sorts, where many of us have, and in some cases still do, ‘live’. How is it that anyone would want to live in some state which saddens them so? In 2~words..’knowning comfort’, ironically. We only know what we ‘know’, irrelevant sadly, whether it makes sense or not. Many a times we choose to accept this state of mind instead of figuring a way out. This is where I feel so terribly lucky, for at some point I have seemed to always know when it’s time to ‘get out’ and find a solution. This last ten years, having said this, saw my resolve buried deeply beneath the ‘pain mind-set’, one of the most challenging fights I have ever had to fight.   

I can ‘see’ while reading my blogs and other forms of expression, who’s been in charge up until now; yup I’m talking about you ego, and your daily reminders of my past and “worrisome” future. Present? nope, ego can’t ‘touch this’, thank God. The ‘now’, the ‘present’ is ‘where its at’, THIS I have officially arrived at believing.  I’ve read and have referred to it as the ego, for it is all I have ever understood it to be. It is irrelevant what the name is, only that I understand and acknowledge the division ( and a long one at that ), between ‘it’ and I. This may very well explain  much of my depression throughout the years, for I’ve always ‘known’ I was a long way from home, a.k.a myself, but have never had a clue as to how to get there. 

 ~Enter Yoga~

Something happened this week during my practice that has, to date, changed how I see and feel about my life and current struggles. I have been taught from Day One that the key to practicing Yoga ( asanas) is threefold; Breath~ ( equally in and out ), Focus~ the mind only on the moment at hand and finally to position the body correctly within whichever pose~alignment wise one is able. These three very distinct ‘practices’ I have struggled with, something fierce. In spite of this, thankfully I have never quit, which to be honest was surprising, though when I began to analyse why this was so, the answer jumped right out, front and center. I have, over the years played subconsciously the ‘role’ of a sick person. There has been many incarnations, but truth be told, I have used my conditions to keep me far far away, from….myself and life. Doing Yoga for the last 7 months, has subtly peeled away these ‘walls’ and excuses I have put up, for fear of ‘failing’ myself and my family…again.

Repeatedly I am told in Yoga, “Nancy this is a process”, as well as,” have faith and be patient”; “God help me”, I so remember thinking many times. Regardless, I have gone to practice, and MORE importantly gone BACK after having been away. Due to experiencing such great relief from the series of ’bouts’ ( pain sessions 3-4 days ) that I used to have, now down to one a week give or take, plus muscle strength and weight loss, has given me hope, hope and a realization that “I am more than what I have become” ( cheezy but true ). I’ve sensed that I have just scratched the surface of what was possible in Yoga and ultimately how my life has and will continue to move forward, for the better because of it….. AMAZING. It is the key, when used properly, that has and will open fully my Pandora’s box. Feeling my abilities, knowing my limits had not yet been reached, kept me down. Now? I see my potential by way of visualization and the strong belief that I can find my way to that which is my purpose and point in this life. Actually I have a few purposes, but as the Yogi’s say “all in due time”.

~Le Moment~

Funny as I think about it now, I can’t remember the day this week in which I had, what I like to refer to as ‘le moment’, though I remember how I felt walking out of the studio after my practice was done. I entered the studio early with my daughter as usual, though instead of ‘jumping right in’, I took a moment and asked myself some questions. “What are you doing now? Where are you?, I dutifully answered, “In Yoga, about to do my practice”; From that moment on, I focused only on what I was doing in each moment, pose after pose. I also felt able to focus on my breath and making the intake and outtakes longer. The actual poses, having now done them for 90 plus days was somewhat secondary. I was so focused that I didn’t realize HOW focused I was, until I walked out of the room. I felt energized with a tinge of peace and then ‘le moment’. Can’t really describe it other than to say I felt like ‘I got it’, I understood; I understood what can happen when the ‘trinity’ (focus, breath and position/alignment) are working ‘as one’. 

Experiencing the ol’ “Ah ha” moment is wonderful, but sometimes due to  habits, one goes back to the old ways of thinking and reacting. I have felt irritated at myself  when this happens. “Practice, practice, practice”, I hear my  teacher saying. He of course is not referring to the physical practice, but the mental one.

 I went out with one of my favourite Yoga teachers and learned, after I expressed a feeling of ‘missing something’,  a lack of ‘silence’, after my practice is done, and if there was something I could try to feel more complete.   Starting this coming week, I will be sitting and meditating for a few minutes after my shavasana, which is technically the official reason for doing asanas, to prepare the mind, body and spirit for meditation. Not unlike what I have felt as a Mother and the natural instincts that come up, Yoga too has these kinds of ‘instincts’ which I have experienced with this need of silence, as well as in areas concerning food, it’s really interesting. The meditation’s purpose, as I understand it is to deepen the connection which is in essence ‘powering up’ my spirit with the belief that when I walk outside into my life, I will have the means in which to continue on with what I now want to do. Yoga has and will undoubtably be the ‘medicine’ required to aid me in my quest towards attaining fulfillment. I visualize, when negative thoughts, feelings or anxiety try to pull me away from my center, by letting them go as I continue to choose now the work of finding my way home.

Namaste

A Simple Plan October 17, 2012

Eeesh….

A simple run of the mill gal ( something I’ve always dreamed of being ), I am not. It is in my opinion, a fact that “everyone has a story”, that we can never assume anything about anyone, though I’m still hard pressed in believing that there aren’t those who function well, WITHOUT having to think and question  EVERYTHING THEY DO.

 I tend to see a lot of the same people each day at Yoga, which is nice. I get the sense that most go and do their practice, whether it be Mysore or a guided class, shower, get dressed and go on with their day…..beautiful and simple. I on the other hand struggle with just being able to get through the practice, mentally that is, for I can’t seem to not think, which ultimately short changes me from a full experience.

I have struggled a lot thru learning about Yoga, which if I were a Buddhist would make much sense, for the first Noble Truth speaks of suffering. Suffering for me, thankfully, has always granted much knowledge and dare I say at times wisdom.  Having this need to understand and follow thru on whatever I’m experiencing, no matter how difficult, makes the ‘end’ ( a healthy state of mind, body and spirit) justify whatever the means is or was. My personal journey, by no means is easy, and at times has been even torturous, but in spite of it all…is well worth it, THIS, some part of me has always BELIEVED.

I felt I needed to write something for the last week n’a bit, for I don’t know where I’m at…., especially with my Yoga practice. I have no fear that Yoga has left me, nor I it, but something is definitely up. When I returned from a bit of a departure this summer and came back ‘home’ to my practice, I felt so happy and comfortable. I don’t know when, but at some point I started feeling empty. Good God, what NOW! I became so frustrated as to why I can’t seemingly be like ‘those other kind’ of people who just come, practice and go….period. Simplicity, this I desire more than anything else.

I had a really interesting visual today while in my shavasana, post practice. I ‘saw’ my state of mind ( more so than any of life’s current stressors ) in the shape of  a ball, while surrounded by this message that said, in essence, “you’ve got it all here, you need not be sad nor doubtful of yourself any longer”. I don’t know why I can’t seem to live in this existence each and everyday?  The good news is that I feel gratitude more often than not.  The key though is ‘dissolving’  this bundle of angst, depression and fear into this wonderfulness that surrounds it.  

Earlier this morning, I had a brief chat with my Yoga teacher. He said “you look good,”; almost immediately in disbelief I responded, “Really?”….He continued, “those with busy minds have a very difficult time meditating, which is why this kind of practice is so important to do”( I had questioned earlier whether I needed to meditate on top of doing my daily practice in order to help with my focus problems) “Just settle your mind on what you’re doing, whether it’s your downward dog, triangle pose, whatever, just think about that moment”. Ah ha! again it all comes back to being in the NOW.

It’s possible that I may have had these empty feeling after my practice, because all  I’ve done is allowed my mind  to be pre-occupied with all that makes up this ever heavy ball of angst I carry around with me everywhere, all day long. 

From the moment I walk in to the studio, I must ask all the ‘crazy’ to wait for me…..’over there’ beside the plants, near the comfy couch. J. also made a good point in that for the hour or so I spend in Yoga, at this point, it will only benefit me ‘out there’ for so long. Because I am striving to live a Yoga life, not just do a Yoga practice, this immediately puts me on a longer ‘road less travelled’. As mentioned earlier, there are those who come and go and need nothing more, or those who have been doing this for so long, the grace and peace created from  their practice, nutrition, chanting and meditation, carries them longer throughout their days than those of us who have just begun. 

The difficulty with me is my expectations, man this is one word I’d like to turf. It’s heavy presence I have carried with me since…forever; it is a burden very much worth kicking to the curb. My story I am starting to understand, is difficult due to the enormity of  all which needs unravelling from within me. My life has never been short on drama,though now I am  starting to see the choke hold it has on me, and it’s attempt from me being ‘released’. Going through a very difficult time with my son, who is struggling in his own life, among all the other worries, definitely makes this time and my ‘work’ with myself  that much tougher.

 I think complacency may kill my drive, which I suppose is a God sent, for its possible my frustration trigger may have been alerting me to another road I have no desire to be on.  For now, I do think I need to take a chill pill concerning the expectations on my beaten up mind and body, and take from what I have written here today and test my current muddy waters to see what comes of it.

Namaste

 

Can I Get A Witness? September 20, 2012

“Definition of self-care:  Self-care is defined as a naturalistic decision making process involving the choice of behaviors that maintain physiologic stability (maintenance) and the response to symptoms when they occur (management). Those practicing self-care maintenance live a healthy lifestyle, adhere to the treatment regimen, and monitor symptoms. Symptom monitoring is essential if one is to make decisions in response to symptoms (management). Self-care management is an active, deliberate process that begins with recognizing a change in signs or symptoms, evaluating the change, deciding to take action, implementing a treatment strategy, and evaluating the treatment implemented.”

Just add a dash of spiritual funk and in a nutshell this is ‘My New Deal”

All is Now well. Actually it probably was all along, it just took some time to see it as such. Transforming oneself is a precarious experience isn’t it? My practice, skipped a few beats over the summer, at times due to logistics, also because of a not so welcoming return of self-doubt.  My summer became a busy one, something I didn’t expect. Due to minimal funds, my daughter and I agreed to try to find as many free and fun outings as possible. Our summer friends came back into our lives, as they tend to do each year, and with that a full 360 of our plans.  We went out-of-town twice, and as fun and grateful as I was to be given the opportunity (and costs covered), I also felt like I had walked away from the pattern I had created with Yoga, breathing and food, all of which landed me for the first time in my life at a place where I felt confident and most importantly comfortable with myself.  My routine was thrown and with that our practice. Not sure if I had mentioned that my brave and precious eleven year old daughter began coming to Yoga with me near the end of June? Well she has and continues to, which guarantees this Mother a wad of lovely memories, knowing full well that her desire to practice Yoga each morn @ 7am, before school starts, may well start to wane as changes begin to occur with her, though I sure hope not. My somewhat ‘evil’ strategy was introducing her to this particular kind of Yoga, while she still thinks ‘I’m all that’ and at an age where she’s yet to question every suggestion I make~can you tell I’ve gone thru this teenage rearing before?

Yoga, the practice of asanas in particular, has given me strength and confidence which stems from the connection revealed to me from my~self; THIS is the hope for my daughter during these early morning practices, that she begins to have a sense of herself too, a type of gentle ‘armour’ in which to protect that which is genuine and true, and one who many of us loose sight of as years pass.  I have left this discussion with her for now, as middle school has just begun, and with it all the newness I know she is currently experiencing.  I remember vividly, the oddity and fear I felt during my teenage years. My Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and what seemed like in an instant, my world and understanding of myself slowly and surely began fading away. It was replaced with reams of self-doubt and a strong sense to run.  What I would have given to experience a place and environment where I could have being myself and felt accepted. Each Yogi who walks by my girl each morn, whether in the studio or in the hallway/locker area,  smiles at her with deep respect, for they know the type of dedication it takes to do this particular kind of Yoga each and every day. They see me and her entering and leaving at different times from our practice, for how we both see and understand it, is just this, these are ‘our’ practices, individually. She does hers, which differs from mine (more on this next time ). We arrive to Yoga Public together, but once in the studio, we are separate. Having said the latter, we are very much bonded as we approach the car each chilly morning, appreciating that our practice is that much easier without any food in our tummies. We both glance at our ‘power shakes’ knowing how satisfying we will soon feel after we return to the car to chat, about our practice, what we achieved or are still struggling with, all the while gulping down our yummy drinks….. pure bliss for me.

Prior to the start of back to school, I had lost my way, which produced a strong, trigger re-action, catapulting me back, not unlike Scrooge did, to the life I used to follow. I began feeling paralyzed and uncomfortable with the remembrance of all the angst, pain and sadness I had felt for so long. Having now returned to regular (daily) Yoga, I can see that I never really ‘returned’ to all that mucky muck, but was very much ‘dipped’ back in it for a while. The physical and spiritual ‘shudder’ I felt was reaffirmed by the fact that I have moved onwards and upwards, away for good from those lost years. What I began six months ago continues, though with different intentions and goals. I began with a magic number of 365 days, now? I enter this time  set aside for myself as a way to continue this quest of peace and belief, that I can reach my potential and create projects that will satisfy not only myself, but hopefully many others ( more on that later too!)

For now I sense this self of mine patiently waiting and witnessing the necessity of this process. This lightness is with me all the time throughout my days, and though I feel a little ‘crazy’ at times, living with this duality of what is becoming now my new life, one in which I no longer follow, but now lead, leaves me with the sensation that soon my time will come. 

Next week’s goals will include morning pranayama ( breathing ) on a regular basis, chanting (über über cool) as well as regular blogging about this next phase I am entering into with Yoga and my life.

Namaste

Happily~Ever Healthy….And Then Some *44 July 26, 2012

I’ve been asked lately why I don’t write more about ‘Yoga’, considering the blog title and all. It’s a valid question, though it took me by surprise, not so much by the question, but by the fact that when I thought about it, I realized I HAVE been writing about Yoga, just maybe not in the way some may expect. My initial understanding of Yoga was similar to most; Postures and breathing pretty much, and if lucky, the chance to look legit by wearing nice tummy/hip/bottom flattering yoga wear.  I suppose this can be enough, if that’s all one wants, just another form of physical activity to do, which is fine ( personally one of my least favourite words, fine ) “How long is the class?”, I often hear people ask, when can I start/finish so as to get back to work, kids etc.. wham bam….Obviously we can’t all sit and do Yoga all day, but what I’ve learned reaches far beyond just ‘doing a class’, or in my case achieving a certain number of consecutive days of practice.

We all have our reasons as to why we want to take up Yoga. Mine was to help move me away from the ‘pills’ and into a healthier way of living; Allowing Yoga, based on what I understood at the time, to help me “write my own prescription” so to speak, in order to achieve better health, was and is a good reason why.  Each new experience that we choose to take on, always has a beginning, middle and (depending) an end, or in my particular case ( I hope ), a continuum. I thought when I began Yoga that I was going to go and ‘do’ some form of practice each day, that I would stop having bouts and pain, that I would lose oodles of weight and live…..”happy~ever healthy”. It is true, I have done Yoga every day accept one…bugger:) and have lost some weight (not oodles) and managed to kick my pain meds to the curb, though I still have pain, yet not like I did before ( next blog:) What I didn’t expect was all the new questions that I began to have, after each week, sometimes even after a day. These questions are of a subtle yet poignant nature and express themselves, as I can figure it, with ‘feelings’ or ‘senses’. I had vaguely heard about Yoga transforming people, though my understanding relied on the belief that the people  transformed themselves, not the other way around. Both cases are actually true, in my humble opinion,  but in my experience, there has also been other ‘works’ going on, that my mind is not in ‘control’ of….that’s the real interesting part to this all, this I believe, is where ‘its at”.

So much of my journey has evolved, by its own accord and without my mind’s input, into areas of observant consciousness, which I experience now, so I can appreciate what brought people to state their experiences with Yoga, as one of ‘transformative’. What mattered initially, with my mind & ego’s in control, was in large part for the sole purpose of proving something to myself, and truth be told to others, especially those who most of us feel we need approval from, namely our parents (irrelevant that mine are no longer here in their physical form); This now no longer matters….plain and simple, which would explain why I have had regular visits from them:) I am no longer trying to prove anything to anyone, thank fucking God! I am one of many on this planet that has lived many a day not feeling ‘good enough’, ‘accomplished enough’, ‘smart enough’, ‘secure enough’, ‘skinny/healthy enough’. It has taken nearly 43 years of practice in feeling shitty to now arrive at a place that, for me, has shown glimpses of who I AM, in the truest and most spiritual sense, which at the end of the day for this cat, is the point. 

The practicing aspect of  doing asanas (postures), in preparation for meditation ( which there are many forms, not just the sitting cross-legged kind ), has been like the magic key that opened up the steel door, of which my truest SELF has been awaiting, ever so patiently, on the other side, to emerge from…..I’ve felt this deep down for so long, though I never knew what ‘it’ was, but now I do. So when I write about my experience or as one recently rephrased, ‘my awakening’, I know that what I type in this blog is very much Yoga, for Yoga by definition is to ‘join’, to ‘unite’ or ‘to attach’. This is what I am open to doing each and every day. These little transformative bits, which I have been blessed to experience in my life, during this brief time in which I have practiced, has taught me that life is about much more than proving anything to anyone, it’s about going home.

Namaste