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Reservations…..No More March 21, 2013

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 5:43 pm
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So here I sit typing away, nearly a week now gone by since my daughter and I drove up north….WAY up North. As I entered into the larger than large 4×4 early last Friday morning, packed to the roof ( and then some ) full of stuff for this northern adventure, I remembered something; Before shifting into “DRIVE”, I heard my husband’s voice~ “Check your mirrors, make sure you have complete visibility”. “Right, o.k, side left mirror good, right one, nice and clear, rear view…not so much.  What I did see however was our Yoga Mats standing upright, like excited children going on vacation, smiling  I got out, opened up the back and”settled”them down. THIS had me feeling happiness, in that moment, for I knew that Yoga really is part of my life and will go with me wherever and whenever, always.

The weather that morning wasn’t great, so I felt a little uneasy, though I reminded myself I am in the BEST possible vehicle for highway driving, especially winter highway driving. When I say the best vehicle this couldn’t be truer. My daughter was equipt in the backseat with her own entertainment unit, complete with a fold down DVD movie screen and headphones, while I had multiple hours of audio books to enjoy up front. Never wanting to shy away from doing ‘stuff’ together, my daughter suggested we ‘watch’ the movie together…so that we did. She provided all the visual descriptions, while I caught bits and pieces of dialogue, and I mean bits. Not the most relaxing way to experience a movie, but it was interesting.

The last time I drove 10 hours was when I was 23 yrs. old, yup that’d be 20 years ago. I remember it been exhausting  and somewhat freaky. Probably shouldn’t have remembered this little diddy, for then I knew where I was going, this time not so much. I did have a map my employer/family friend drew for me, including locations of where I can let my fully freaked out beagle out for a pee and where I can’t? “How come?”, I inquired….”Wild dogs”, he replied. “Ahh….eesh”. I began to visualize wild dogs running out of the forest, a la Twilight movie, straight at us,  while I’m running frantically trying with all my might to ‘swing’ into my arms my ever chubby beagle, Yo Yo style~ OR would I just run…solo, you see, we have MAJOR beagle issues, but that’s a whole other blog..

I snapped my mind back, its fine, it will be fine….my least favourite word btw.

By hour 4 I began feeling funky, but not in a good way. This happened back and forth throughout the trip, but you know what? For every ‘moment’ I had of the negative persuasion, NATURE popped up in my visual and said” LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!”  I cannot tell you how beautiful it is up in this part of the province ( Manitoba) Yes I’ve seen trees and yes I’ve seen sky, but not like this~There it was again, I realized, this gentle nudge, a reminder of what really was important, what to focus on, and this was in a word beauty, specifically the beauty of nature.  Driving with this state of consciousness was yet another example of doing Yoga. I have learnt to focus on my breath, but outside the studio….this was something new, and I liked it!

We arrived late, survived close to 2 hours of ‘off off ‘roading’ en route to the Cross Lake Reservation. I prayed hard during these last bits of road warrioring that a) I would know what a “buggy” was ( a construction worker stopped to advise me to  “watch out for these machines, which would zip onto the ‘highway’ at random”). These ‘buggies’, which sounded like they would be small, actually turned out to be mammoth road scrapers. I nearly peed my pants during a few of these encounters, which isn’t hard to do, especially if one has experienced multiple pregnancies. My next prayer b) that we wouldn’t arrive at night. I don’t like to drive at night, vision issues. As we were trekking down this God awful road, seemingly taking forever ( at this point in time, due to tiredness and foggy brain syndrome, Yoga took a backseat and watched a movie with my daughter).  I began to sense the light diminishing. “How in the heck am I going to find where we are staying etc..in the friggin black of blackness? Again, just like before, PoP! there it was… another amazing distraction; the most beautiful sunset sky I’d ever seen….ever. It took up what seemed like the ENTIRE sky!  

I was transported for a moment outside myself, witnessing us travelling on this long, bumpy, dusty road with no other vehicles in sight, all the while being enveloped by this protecting heavenly sky…Moments later, a small sign that read Cross Lake appeared, we had arrived

After I reflected later on in the evening, after our quick offload was complete ( quick due to some seriously cold arctic winds), while enjoying a beautiful glass of Malbec, I came to appreciate the ongoing gifts of Yoga, in all its many many forms.

Namaste

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A Different Kind Of ‘Yoga’ October 30, 2012

Filed under: Health Hopes — Working From Bed Productions @ 7:20 pm
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I laid in bed today….all day. Unable to sleep last night, no matter how hard I tried, plus the Moon refused to dim its light, so what am I gonna do?  Throughout my Yoga experience I’ve come to appreciate and understand many things, many of which I have graciously been taught by kind giving people. It was said that Yoga is a way of being and living, and part of this, my take anyways, is to be brave and do what is instinctual, no matter what. Most of us are scared of trying something we’ve always wanted to do, which is hard enough in itself; living up to society’s or peers expectations, well THAT I thankfully now KNOW is malarkey. I have been told I’m not a writer, not a clothing designer, script writer, hell I even heard recently that pictures of me posted on this blog aren’t me? Crazy. When I think about what percentage I have spent, energy wise, on trying to be or not to be, forsaking myself  and personal happiness, well it’s a tad scary. I do what I do because it brings me joy and for no other reason. Some business projects I’m starting to work on, for the first time in 8 years, I am doing ,for the pure fun of it. Passion trumps all YO, the naysayers, the ‘threatened ones,

Bless you always, but Fuck Off.

 Below is a rambling I’ve been tinkering with, could turn into ‘nothing more’ than a story for my children and grandchildren, but that would be for the future to determine, when it happens! Not now, nope, right now I am writing what is happening to my HERE and my NOW, what I’m slowly learning, is the place to really Be. 

Namaste

“Expect This”

 

Story Opens with a 40 yr old mother/wife/chronic pain recipient returning home after a long day…..

Synopsis I
Flashback sequences (childhood, pre-mother years) create a ’cause and effect’ feel to her daily family situations. Her self-awareness and wounded warrior self causes a painful dynamic to exist. She lives with her ‘ghost self’, all the emotional deaths experienced;this ‘self’ is an ominous part of her that she battles to understand. She fights to shed this ‘skin’ from her difficult past by deconstructing it thru her blogging.
Her Mother’s mind always trying to do right by her children, which tends to brings her to her knees… frequently. Do unto them which was Not done unto her, all the while trying to choke up the courage to bring creativity in some form, back into her life. This, she clings to like a life-line of sorts, never wanting to let go for fear that she will lose herself, and who she is and possible meant to be. The gentle voice from her inner self guides her like a friend, always patient, never judgmental though always ‘there’ tugging at her not to forget…herself. Many (her family) get caught in the crossfire of this epic battle.

She has identified the flashbacks as her story, the foundation , but how does she stay true to herself while trying to do the same for her kids (*note:mind modes). Stay true stay true.

Loving her mate her best friend, she tries to guide him to a state of consciousness ( his own) showing him how to learn from pain and to see his ‘shine’; noble in theory, messy in reality.
Complicating things are her health problems ( fears, imprinting from adolescence), trying to keep her marriage together and the naysayers at bay ( people on different planets).

The realization of Herself and the bravery required. Kicking the shite, on a daily basis out of her ego (devil within) and its many facets of fear, doubt and recklessness. “Get Up Stand Up!” that’s the first goal every morning. Falling down happens repeatedly.

Themes:
Reconciling childhood with all the gaps rare memories: Ice rink, needing her mother’s attention and love isolation -starkness – red velvet skating dress.

Youth and Adolescence:

flashes of alcoholism and her ‘security blanket made of mink . The smell of gin and olives, a near car fatality, hiding in closets-performing for the elite, pushing away advances until…they win- dirty old men. New city, peer crushing, adolescence on the outskirts. JewCREW gets his way….shame, notoriety unwanted, house of silence. SLUT…what does that mean Mommy?
Not ruptured appendix…quite the opposite.
SWITCH UP…never the same
Running away from her impending death. Still zooming, same clothes on since last nite’s bar escapades, something awakens her in the early morn/ taxi ride home… Just reaching the second step she looks up to hear “Mom’s gone”….no more beautiful tree-lined neighborhood for her.

Homelessness, DQ coins, 3 blocks from old Prep School, watching school girls wearing her uniform.. flashback,
GNT’s & speed, deep well of loneliness now dug. Having sex in all the wrong places: underground red light bars, the dentist chair, the artist, the taxi man, nature boy, lake friends, just plain good-looking… resulting with the feeling that be couldn’t denied, the naysayers, “MY CHOICE, MY PRO-CHOICE” she yells celebrating with red licorice and her perfect beautiful baby boy..”My Savior My Bk”
Welfare Princess years, then

Time to Shine.

My Mate & I: the anticipation of sunshine, tunnel vision to his heart, the hug, the longing, the grassy knoll, into each other…yummy yummy all the time.
The news, her death/milk comes in,alone, sliding down the wall  onto the kitchen floor….over come by anguish & guilt
 love realized, more loss, taking a stand NO MORE SADNESS!
Commitment forever
2nd go – fear and acid reflux, the “do-over”/gift for him/ “I am ONLY a vessel , I repeat, I am ONLY a vessel, Can’t get close to ‘it’ again, can’t bear it..”
Not just a vessel..learning to love and to forgive herself, allowing to be loved by her perfect new baby girl
Such tremendous gifts from her dead daughter.
Illness avec newly vacationed depths of despair, the well runs deeper.

Really life she questions, really? For fuck sakes..

Shine no more, darkness sets in, isolation with bedtime stories,
“In this corner….where are you my man, I can’t see you anymore”
In search of….normalcy – a decade’s + journey, how many jobs are enough? Spinning circle going nowhere fast, better grow up, better grow up
Easy way out and the trust of another, capsizing, loosing it all –
Cutting family ties, blood DEFINITELY DOES NOT run deeper..
Faith swooping in to save the day along with some righteous babes
“My 4am friends”, renewal with a clear-eyed vision.
Thank you Julia C. and the creative art found in nourishing all my loves,
Another act of love found.
“Love is all that matters”
“No we can’t afford it, sorry maybe next year, unexposed talents of the young unrealized, well deepens again
ENOUGH! I can do this, WE can do this!
Money versus Consciousness.
Distances & his work closer hearts, plate shifting
Stand Up! Find Yourself! Look at them they Need You!
“Negotiating my girl’s future with a millionaire and his German toilets”.
“Piecing back together my boy’s shattered spiri”t, his response with a wash of sarcasm “Nice job mommy”.
No escaping, choking on it. “True artistry is not a choice”  Ya? try telling that to my banker.

 

Ultimately her impending death causes ‘Top Tens’ to be created about everything they need to know. It is her gift to them (her children) A Coles Notes version, a place for quick reference (scene with children now grown up shattered from some kind of personal experience, looking for the divorce paper she comes across her copy opens and reads).
They (son and daughter talk on the phone, sister reminding the brother of “Mom”s Top Ten what to expect..) both repeat their Mom’s mantra her repeated saying
“When life takes a harsh turn, which it will.. Expect This” Opening Scene?

It’s ultimately about a parent wanting her children to be prepared for life.
The Story of her life and getting banged around, being blind to what was to come.
Emotional lasagna, what to  and not to  layer their internal selves with
Recycling the Reincarnation of experiences: What to do with what has happened to them
Compost it and see what grows