Tremendously hard to type/write and get out of my mind right now. I have seething anger pumping through at this moment and clearly thinking outside my current internal turmoil state, seems very much like I’m making it all worse. By beginning to blog, is my attempt at trying to find some sort of rhythmn again. I once was lost than I was found and then I got fucking lost again, pretty much sums up where life is at for me these days. Sometime ago I had purpose in healing myself through yoga. It happened in a beautiful and natural way, which is always a sign for me that I am on a right and proper path.
Recently I began to question, what happened, exactly? How did I leave a practice and a state of health and wind up in this my here and now of miserableness? It was by no means due to a lack of love, ironically as it turns out it was percisely for this reason, except the love wasn’t for me. I reached a point in my practice that had far surpassed what I ever thought I could do, so what was it? Well the truth is that inspite of ultimately being the one who fell off, I didn’t do so consciously. My eldest child was officially moving out ( at 17 not 23, makes a difference in this story I believe ) and with this decision some obscure, from left field emotional chinook, took me over and out. I went into planning mode for him, his needs etc.. remembering at one point thinking “shit, I haven’t been at yoga for two days, it’s o.k I’ll go Friday”. Within this time I lost a little part- time gig which helped to subsidize my yoga cost as well as this this big move out West. Due to this sudden unemployment and utter frustration and anger towards the person who hired me (unrealistically financially speaking, it turns out..gee thanks), I began going inwards. Pretty much from May till now October 3rd, I have done very little yoga, gained back at least 15 pounds and wake up and deal with a litany of pains throughout my entire body everyday. I literally am unable to hold a coffee cup for the first few hours of the morning. Part of the RA are flaring up in my body where they never had before….I illustrate this due to the sheer amazement on what one can experience doing Yoga with chronic pain and what can happen when you don’t.
Lastly, I consume more red wine than I ever have in my life, so not overly shocking that I’m a tad pissed off right now at myslef. I went last week to do my practice for the first time in months. it felt weird of course but emotionally I basically felt good, not having any anxiety or huge expectations. After attempting to ‘slide in’ and pretty much hide out in the back of studio, my ever knowning teacher sensed this and called me up to join the rest of the flock in the front of the room, instructing me to do what I could do, so I did. I was initially happy, for my little body memory bank seemed to re-open and off I went. I stopped a few times, looking around for some help in what to do next, but alas no one came. Shrugging it off I continued as best I could. The first sign that it had been awhile was the weakness I felt in my arms. Other than feeling little to no pain for good periods of time, what I LOVED about Yoga was the strength that it gave me and the confidence to do activities I hadn’t done in many moons. Never have I felt that physically strong before, even in my youth, never liked that..So I adjusted, doing less chaturangas, concentrating more on finishing the practice than remembering each bit. I finished, changed and went home, not feeling anything either way. During the wee hours of the next day into early morning + three more days, I experienced pain like nothing else. Someone recently described RA pain like having a hot ‘poker’ jammed into your joints creating unbelievable amounts of searing pain.
What this attempt of mine, to re-start my yoga practice left me with at that time was this little diddy. “Ya, so your fucked and gonna have to pay a price”. Jesus, really do I always have to pay the fucking price? Must I go back with my tail wedged between my legs, head down in shame and deal with the punishment of leaving yoga? For who walks AWAY from a positive state of health?
I know I never made the choice to walk away from my health, it just kinda happened for I was so distracted with this being who I love and worry about more than anything or anyone in life ( see problem #1, I know hindsight ). When a good chunk of time had passed and I could see the light of my practice becoming dim to my sight, I felt it was a sacrafice that I had to make (WRONG…20/20). It also showed that I was not as far ahead in my emotional growthas I had thought, for if I had being than I most likely could have kept up both, carrying for myself and child….simultaneously. I also probably wouldn’t have being so distraught and full of fear after he left.
I’ve had some positive thoughts and revelations about where to go next, knowning that I can find a much better state of mind and body to live in. My relationship with my former ex, a.k.a depression, sits not too far away smiling, enticing me to come and hang out, which I must admit I have done from time to time in the last while, but for now I share a rude gesture and perform an-about-face, looking towards the future, no longer in the past.